Blog entry for:

of the future, based on terrifying glimpses of what has come before, is a house i no longer wish to dwell in. as i sat with my sponsor yesterday afternoon in the pleasant company of his local fellowship, i felt secure and and wanted. i did not need to worry about what they thought of me and if i was going to be welcomed back. sandwiched between two long drives, one uneventful and generally without issue and one a slow slog through a maze of frustrations was a day spent with my peers in recovery. i knew my return trip would be fraught with traffic and it lived up to my less than stellar expectations and yet, i would not have traded any of the time i spent away for arriving home any sooner than i did. for a few hours yesterday, i let go of my prophecy of having to abide with far too many drivers on highways that are under construction.
most of my FEAR of what may come is derived from my DESIRE to control and manipulate my world. i want to believe i am in charge and i know best.ironically as i sat with my sponsee yesterday on my monthly visit, his concern was exactly the same. his world is far more structured than mine, and i think i helped guide him towards a path that may lead to a result that he desires. i use him as an example, because in him i see that i too, am resisting the notion of how i am being defined. i do not want to be labelled as an “old-timer” or a “veteran” in my fellowship, even though for years on end, that was exactly what i desired. i do not want to be stuck in a job where i cannot create and yet i cannot find a way to break free. i really do not want to work, even though i have no idea what i would do with my days, if i did not work. all of these dissonances in my life create the whole “what if monkeys fly out of my ass,” kind of living that keeps me sick.
this morning, as i get ready to head on down to the job i find boring and tedious, but keeps me supported in a life-style that is quite comfortable, maybe i will make a decision to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take the reins. maybe as i sit at home, “grounded” as it were, i will allow myself to be free of the prison i create by trying to fit into a mold of my own devising. or maybe i will just go on, allowing myself to be dissatisfied with where i am and start falling into the “doom and gloom” that must be coming. i guess, as always, just for today, that choice is mine and mine alone to make.

∞ DT ∞