Blog entry for:

to see what i want to keep and what i want to discard. and you know, there is a boat load of stuff that IS working for me, that i really do want to keep, and most of that is GOOD stuff these days.
i guess that is more than enough and i can hit the dusty trail on that high note. of course, i could always go down the tangent that the events of this morning have suddenly revealed to me, sometimes, i really hate when the uncovery process just jumps me and says “HEY LOOK AT THIS!”
the tangent that was suddenly revealed to me, as i sat down to write this, is how effective this particular action has become in my life. some back story before i really get rolling. way back more than a few hundred days ago, when i was formally working my TENTH STEP, my sponsor suggested a different manner of practicing STEP 10 than i had ever been exposed to in the past. instead answering lists of questions on paper or in my head, why not sit down, get quiet and meditate on the events of the day, my part in the life around me, and how my actions affected the world in general and those i share my life with specifically. in fact what he suggested, and what i have adopted is exactly what the reading this morning is talking about. since STEP 10 is a part of my daily maintenance routine, this is certainly a good opportunity to check out what needs to be pitched and what needs to be retained, in my repertoire of daily behaviors. using my experience in the context of living the steps, as the backdrop for this particular exercise, coupled with the immediacy of daily practice has certainly led me to see what i often missed for some time. in fact, it creates a situation within me, that fosters my ability to be present for what is going on, instead of focusing on what i want to be going on!
right now i feel like i NEED to act-out, buy something or just manipulate a whole hornet's nest of drama into exploding around me. by becoming aware of that, i can see it is a symptom of something more pernicious and deadly, active addiction reasserting itself. the cure? why finish my step work, call my sponsor and let the POWER that fuels my recovery care for MY WHOLE LIFE AND WILL! easier said than done, but certainly a direction i can take. it is like smoking cigarettes. that is no longer who i am. it is who i was, and it is someone i could be, but just for today, it is not the man i am, nor is it the man i want to be. i get that, and that little example is certainly illustrative of a larger point, if i want to be the man i am, and be comfortable as the man that i am, THAN I NEED to do what it is that got me here. i can discard my excuses for not finishing my writing assignment and move on. which by the clock on the wall, is something i NEED to do right now. it is a GREAT day to be on the path of becoming more than i ever was or even dreamed was possible, just for today.

∞ DT ∞