Blog entry for:

self?care, and my spiritual condition, OH MY! boy, oh boy, does this source material dredge up all sorts of feelings, memories and unpleasant nostalgia for me. once upon a time i believed i was acting selflessly, carry the message to the still suffering addict and immersing myself in service to the fellowship that gave me a new manner in which to live. in fact, i was basing my worth and my identity on being a servant and believed that it was certainly the next right thing to do. when the time came to look at myself through what was then my third set of steps, i saw that i lacked any self-worth and by creating my identity as the “service guy,” i was deferring doing any actual work towards becoming whole and genuine. i was still trapped in my cynical cycle of self-deprecation attempting to right the scales of justice and create an image of myself that was certainly bigger than anonymity. leaving committee service and finding the ways and means to serve my peers, that were more on the down-low as suggested by my sponsor, started the process that has brought me to seeing that the lie i allowed myself to live for decades could be dispelled and i could forge and identity based on who i am today and not who i want others to think i am.
i see similar behavior in some of my peers today, BUT, i am not their sponsor and it is not my place to “instruct” them on how they “should” do their recovery life. i know that if anyone had approached me back in those days and suggested that i was not what i appeared to be and living my life through the eyes of others, no matter how much good i may have been doing, was stunting my growth, i would have laughed in their faces and accused them of being envious or jealous. truly a spiritual path, NOT! 🤪 getting to a place where service to the fellowship is merely a part of who i am, instead of being who i am, took work and i had to dig through many layers of detritus and just plain junk to reach it. it was <SIGH> a process that is still ongoing today.
this morning, i feel okay with who i am. i know that what i do that appears to be selfless, more than likely is, as i have learned to care for myself and keep tabs on my spiritual condition. i have jumped off the merry-go-round of needing the approval of others to feel good about myself. i no longer require a pat on the back, but do appreciate when someone expresses their gratitude for something i have done. today, i do know where the sun rises and do my best to remember exactly where i am. as a result, i believe i am better able to carry a message of recovery and serve my fellowship and my peers, just for today.

∞ DT ∞