Blog entry for:

want to keep.
so much of the time i focus on what i want to be rid of. not that having the desire to be rid of reservations, resentments, secrets, shortcomings and defects of character is a bad thing, however, from time to time, i need a reminder to pause and take stock of those things in my life that are worth holding on to, at least, just for today. no i am not about to bring forth rainbows and unicorns, fart daisies, or sing Kum-By-Yah, but i am going to take a different tack today, and who knows there just may be something brighter, shinier and more palatable at the end of this brain dump.
this train of thought starts at something i heard last night at a meetings. a peer of mine, got all butt-hurt because i was not always and instantly available to take his phone calls. that is however his stuff, but what it reminded me of, is me. when i look at his behavior and expectations, i can compare and contrast them to me own. at 30 something days clean, i far from moving from the center of the universe, and still believed that all existed to serve me and my needs. i expected the fellowship to jump to my command, entertain me, keep me from feeling lonely and alone, in short, provide for me, everything i was still incapable of providing for myself. what a rude awakening it was when i finally saw that what i wanted and what i would get were two entirely different things and no matter how hard i tried to manipulate, cajole and people-please my new acquaintances, into taking care of me, they were only interested in giving me a hand up, not a hand out.
today, i look back at the person i was and wondered how i ever got to where i am, today. when i see how resentful i got because those “fVckers” would not do what i wanted to make me more comfortable, i am amazed, that i kept plugging away at this gig, long enough to “get it.” ironically, when a newcomer tells me to do something or change who i am friends with, because it will make them more comfortable, i see myself and the ludicrous nature of being at the center of the universe. when i look at my growth, i see that i am becoming right-sized, throwing off that which no longer serves me, holding on to some of things that may not be serving me, but perhaps will tomorrow, and most importantly fostering the parts of my life that have come back to me, as a result of the recovery process.
as i sit here and contemplate where i am, and where i may be going, i am beginning to see that where i was is a valuable tool. honestly, it does not feel as if anything has changed since that day i finally got clean and grudgingly sat my a$$ down in the chair i had so rightfully earned. then one of the FNGs in my life, says or does something that takes me back, and i can see that, in least in that respect, i have grown. all that i am today, is more than the sum of all my parts and my past. it is true that my past has brought me to this place and more than likely without each and every misstep, misdeed, and poor decision, i would not have arrived here. no it is not about pre-destiny and perhaps it is not even about GOD's will for me. no matter how powerful GOD may or may not be, it was my free will and the consequences of that will that has brought me to this place. GOD does not work steps for me. GOD does not go to meetings for me. i could go on about what GOD does or does not do for me, what GOD does do for me, is provide me the opportunity to continue to change into the sort of person others might actually like to have in their lives. as a result of taking advantage of those opportunities, i become more than i ever imagined and the recovery right-sizing project i started once upon a time, is still in force and making me a better person, in my own eyes as well.
i have grown and when i trip across the expectation of someone else, in the next few days, i will remember that they are who they are, and what they think and feel has yet to undergo the kind of creatively destructive personality change that the recovery process has wreaked upon my life. it is nice to live in a place of diminished expectation about how everyone else SHOULD act and look to my own self for a better way to live, just for today.

∞ DT ∞