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do i really want to grow? truly an interesting question and one that leads to all sorts of different ways to look at my life. today as poignant and pertinent as that question may be, i am going to go down another rabbit hole and see where i end up.
as i sit here this morning, i am truly wondering if i can change. my friend who is currently incarcerated is returning to his previous attitude of expecting me to drop everything and be “there” for him, no matter what io happen to be doing at the time. of course it is his opportunity to call me that is the limiting factor here and n o consideration about what may or may not be going on in my life. and i get pissed off and ready to join the rest of his friends and family members and just walk the fVck away and let him twist all by himself. who the fVck does he think he is, anyways?!
turning the pen around on myself, i see that i am giving but expecting something in return, something that he is incapable or unwilling to give, RESPECT and GRATITUDE! receiving very little of either i march down the path of anger and consider my options, which always seems to end up being:“exit stage right!” so what am i going to do? over the past few days, more than that one answer has surfaced and what i seem to be feeling is this: just let it be, give him what i can, expect nothing but disrespect and ingratitude and move along, he is not my responsibility and i am certainly nowhere powerful enough to affect any change in his internal landscape. instead of being dragged down to into a resentful and bitter attitude, expect absolutely nothing, which i know i will get in abundance. of course he will tell me of all the stuff he has done for me, in the past and what he will do for me, but in the end, none of it amounts to anything, and it is me who is the sick one in this relationship. if nothing changes, well nothing will change. i am powerless over changing anything in him, HOWEVER, within myself? well that is quite a different tale, which brings me to the top.
so what is it in myself that i want to change today? the notion that i can change anyone else. i came to recovery believing i could “fix” anyone, and across the course of my recovery, that belief has waxed and waned in a very seemingly random manner. what i see it to be now, was that when the men i sponsor are changing, growing and doing well, i take that as evidence that i am changing them. what it is really, is that they are surrendering to the process of the program and changing themselves, all i am is an element in that process, and far from the prime mover. it is a result of my ego taking on a size much greater than it really is, and me taking credit for stuff that is not mine to won, when they are relapsing or spinning down the tubes, then they are ungrateful and ignorant sluts that do not know the good thing that they are throwing away. once again, an super sized ego, taking responsibility for that which is not mine either. what i am starting to see, is that doing nothing is often the best policy, as everyone needs the chance to arrive at the answer themselves, after all showing your work is worth something in recovery and relationships as well. what i see now, is that besides being time to hop into the shower, it is also time to let go of the notion that i can be anything more than part of the process of change, and leave it at that. and when my friend calls, well i will let him be who he will be, accept that he will make demands and respond appropriately, it is after all a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞