Blog entry for:

want to grow? quite an interesting question and after the events of the past thirty-six hours, i am more than sure that yes, i do want to grow. it is not as if i have had a bad day and a half, but i have had more than one example of what happens to addicts, like me, who cease to grow for one reason or another. almost always there is a choice involved and whether it is that i can manage on a little drop of something every day, or they happen to find that eating at 10:00 PM is too late and instead of altering their behavior they are attempting to manipulate reality to fit their narrow version of what is correct, those are choices they happen to be making. if i were to make similar choices, i would certainly see it as putting my recovery into second place and putting my growth on hold. there is an element pf gratitude in what i see from my peers, namely i do not have go there, just for today.
i do DESIRE growth in both my spiritual and personal life. what i do need to do, is exactly what the reading suggests, as part of my daily inventory, ask what i saw today that was blocking my transformation into the person i have always wanted to be. i know all about burying my manipulation under the guise of “helping the newcomer” or “carrying the message to the still suffering.” the irony of it all, is that the smoke and mirrors i used, when i was acting out in that manner, are more than obvious today. when someone who is barely a week clean, tells me that meetings of different fellowships are not a bad thing, it make me wonder. in my experience, i used “cross-fellowshipping” to maintain my difference, i was never the same as my peers in either fellowship, as i was somehow more and required all sorts of different viewpoints.
yesterday, for one of the few times in my recovery career, when asked to sponsor another addict, i said, let's wait a week or so and see.” i do not volunteer myself to sponsorship, so when asked to sponsor, i say of course, as they have demonstrated a spirit of willingness and certainly walked through some fear. some of the time, such as the instance yesterday, it feels as if they are looking for a return to what they once knew. i am no longer that kind of sponsor, i once was, thanks to growth. personally and spiritually. the power i can and do exert in my life, no longer needs to be spilled out upon others. where once i was sure that my way was the “true&8221; way, i now know that it was one of the many ways that create the “true&38221; way.
so as i was saving this away, my finger slipped. with that little glitch, the idea, that maybe i need to stop right here, is now foremost in my mind. it is a good day to be clean and to let go of all that is keeping me from becoming who i want to become.

∞ DT ∞