Blog entry for:

how much energy i spent imagining what others thought about me, i want to go back in time and give my past self a swift kick in the ass and tell him to wake up, stop believing the lie he has comes to see as the TRUTH and find a way of living as his best self. of course that person would look at me as if i was crazy, come up with a rash of excuses, rationalizations, justifications about why he is the way he is and walk off to get high once again and swallow that “unpleasant” encounter with his future self. i was not ready to step out from behind that curtain, until i was ready. when i saw that i did not need all that smoke and all those mirrors, to be a part of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living, or society as a whole, i finally got the gift of FREEDOM FROM MY PAST.
moving into the here and now, today has been one of those days, where i am just a bit behind where i want to be. i got up a bit later than usual and every time i went to move on to the next thing on my plan of the day, something interrupted that movement and i needed to adjust to a new reality. that is not a bad metaphor for my recovery journey and how i came to finally see that taking care of myself is more important than selfless service. when i choose to ignore my needs, service to my family, my employer my fellowship takes on aspects of me being far from well. when i substitute selflessness for self-care, as i have done in the past, i lose myself in the task and stop the progress of my recovery. today i walked 10K, meditated, ate breakfast, did my laundry and delivered a video that i had deleted off my phone to one of my nieces. i still am planning on doing step work with a sponsee, reading a bit of my Book Club book and enjoying a cigar, perhaps two, before chilling in front of a video screen, with my spouse. that past self could only dream of a life like i have today, and i am quite certain he believed it was way beyond his skill-set to make it happen. today, i know that there are a whole lot of things i may not have the ability to do, but that will not keep me from trying to grow and expand what i know and what i can do. that is, what life in recovery is all about for me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞