Blog entry for:

of the POWER that fuels my recovery?
a very interesting question, which of course has a very pat answer, ME! so there you have it, move along, nothing to see here!
that would make life oh so simple, if it was just the answer i needed and not some sort of solution to the equation of self-will, true will and the POWER that fuels my recovery will. 42 may be the answer to life the universe and everything, but it is the question that is really important, as DEEP THOUGHT discovered. all the deep thoughts in the world will not help me through to uncovering the equation i seek, in fact i do not even think i can state that equation is less than a million variables. so here the rational side of me loses. as much as i do not like the way i feel when i have to cave into the non-rational part of me, more and more i am finding that it part of the equation i am seeking. it all comes back to the yin and yang of who i am, and how both yin and yang are needed to define the whole of me. i will probably get wrong, so i will not classify rational as yin or yang. the longer i stay clean the more this becomes an issue in my life. i almost long for those days when staying clean was all that i could do. when the jones was upon me and i was obsessed about using and doing what i could to remove that obsession. i said almost. as easy as it made my vision of recovery back in those days, i also remember the pain and misery that inflicted upon my life. how consumed i was by that and how i was only staying clean to keep my a$$ out of prison. when that was my passion recovery was a cinch, as everything was black and white. does this behavior make it easier to stay clean or not? living beyond the obsession, takes me deeper and deeper into territory i willfully left undiscovered for all those years. i really did not want to know why i was so happy when i was arrogant and it paid off, the fact that it paid off was good enough for me and why it made me happy was something for another day. this constant delving into parts of me that have never been exposed to the light of day is not only uncomfortable, but is also very painful. as i say this, i am starting to get why my recalcitrant jailbird sponsee is afraid to let go of we who he is, defects of character and all, and embrace the man he could become. there is no HOPE for him, that will ever happen and the pain he has to go through does not look worth the ultimate payoff -- a life beyond his wildest dreams. he cannot see beyond the pain, because he refuses to go there, he is stuck in the whys and wherefores and lacks the desire to let them go and move forward. if he stays where he is, he remains different and thus can fins all the excuses and rationalizations he needs to be the sh!t he believes he is. i am so grateful that the men who have sponsored me, broke me out of that feedback cycle and my job is to help my sponsee find his solution to breaking his.
anyhow as interesting as this topic may be, i do have stuff to do today. so i will sign-off by saying this -- allowing myself to be a whole person, rational, non-rational, logical, illogical, precise and fuzzy, will lead me to seeing the next right thing to do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞