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the reading this morning seems to fit in with a theme that has been developing in my thoughts and meditation over the past week. now that i understand what the current manifestation of my insanity is, now i need to come to believe that i can be relieved of it. i finally shared in a large open meeting last night what the core of this insanity is: i am pretending to be who i really am, because i am incapable of believing that i am the person i am becoming. this is manifested in a desire to leave some sort of mark on the world and of course my addict went for the easiest and simplest solution. i do not need to share that solution here, because after further consideration it really is not what my TRUE will is for me. my sponsor kindly reminded me that the only mark that truly lasts is to show those i care about my love for them. fame, wealth and prestige are fleeting at best, and none of these will last beyond my stint in this world. only my love and how i showed love to those that i care about will live beyond my days. i can take comfort in the fact that if i can continue to grow emotionally and spiritually, i will affect this world in a positive and unique manner and that effect will be the legacy i leave behind.
so how does this all fit into looking at my day and considering what it is that separates my will from GOD‘s will for my life?
well if i let myself believe that i am insignificant, without any power to affect those i care about in a positive manner, than i will continue to spin in my insanity and not move into a place where i can once again surrender my will and my life into the care of a power greater than me. i will continue to be blocked from the sunlight of my HIGHER POWER, and i will continue to look for shortcuts to creating a legacy. my spiritual and emotional death will occur long before my physical death and what i fear the most will come to pass. so just for today i think i will allow myself to believe that i can be a more than i am today.
∞ DT ∞