Blog entry for:

the desire to stop using and the willingness to try a new way of living. which way back when was asking for quite a bit, these days not so much. which is not to say that i have somehow gotten “recovered” or anything. no, i have enough of those examples in my life these days.
so as you can see there are two trains of thought that are leaving the station this morning, and instead of me corralling one or the other i think i will run with both and see where this takes me.
along those lines, there are certainly times when i feel that i should be more than just recovering, after all, i have become an active, self-supporting member of society, and to all outside appearances i look like the other 85% or so of the population who can use without an obsessive-compulsive reaction. i mean where is the fVcking reward, where the fVck is my cake? day in and day out i work hard to do what that other 85 percent does with no conscious effort, so i mean what is the payoff? of course i could get all spiritual here and say well recovery is its own reward, and it is, as i get to live a life that was impossible for me before i got clean. you know, a life where using and finding the ways and means to use, is not my singular goal of the day. a life where i can choose how healthy i want to be, by choosing what i eat, if i exercise and what if anything i smoke. a life where i can be a part of equal, loving, and caring relationships. a life where i can see my toxic behaviors and desires and CHOOSE whether or not to participate in them. okay, i am starting to sound like a broken record here, the point is and always has been, that as an active addict none of that was available to me. when i do not practice a program of active recovery, all of that may be available to me, but i am unable to see it. as long as i am an actively recovering addict do i have the opportunity for all of that and so much more. there can be quite the big BUT after that statement, i do not however wish to negate all that came in front of it. there is a catch which is none of this gig works in my life when i live in the state of delusion called denial. denial for me, starts when i hear a suggestion and instantly i respond with BUT. denial for me is indicated when i talk about the less than savory behaviors i am engaging in and the next word out of my moth is BUT. denial for me id the belief system that somehow, someway, i am better than or even less than everyone else in recovery and i have certain knowledge that needs to be imparted upon the world at large starting with the addict right next door. delusion for me is believing that i am the teacher and have graduated from being the student. denial is the symptom that i have RECOVERED.
before i get accused of the sin of “false humility”, i know i have knowledge about how this gig works. i know that i have insight into how to do this gig. i know that my experience is invaluable to the addict who just may be walking into their first meeting tonight. all of that is true, just as it is true that i NEED the EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE of that same newcomer to the program. i do not know where the nugget of wisdom i NEED today, to stay clean will come from, so it is up to me to remove those big BUTS from my life and destroy that denial structure, as well. the irony here, is that all the time and effort i put into destroying thee denial structure of active addiction, seems to have resulted in another being built in its place. the “i am only an addict after all” and the “to the best of my ability” loopholes in all their living colorful glory.
so when do i get to be more than just another member? when to i get to achieve a special status that NEEDS to be recognized by my peers as well as by my fans? where the fVck is my certificate of appreciation? the answer is when i am ready to start dying, spiritually once again. yes, i am entitled to the opportunity to recover, it is however up to me whether or not i choose to recover.
anyhow, i really went off for a bit there. it is a good day to recover and yes i am focused on the number of “just for todays” that i have, not the years or multiple of years that those days add up to. because for me, today is what is important, with a bit of thought of providing myself the opportunity tomorrow by using what i learned from who knows where, yesterday. i am grateful that right here and right now i see i have so much more to learn and am willing to seek the teachers, no matter what their previous experience may be. time to hit the streets for a quickie, as it were!

∞ DT ∞