Blog entry for:

to suit THOSE people was my mantra for decades on end. **those** people started with my parents and my family and quickly extended out to all of society in general. of course, when i got clean, those people also included my peers in recovery. only in the past year or so, have i begun to break free from that prison and learn to be my own person. ironically, where i felt the most comfortable, with other users, was where i worked hardest to be just like them, no matter what. it was the spirit of that life that carried forward with me into recovery and letting go of what i never was, has become a daily task for me.
some days, the topic in the JFT, is spot on for me, today was one of those days. as i sat, i felt the FREEDOM from my bondage to suit others, at least on the outside, was one of the greatest gifts i have ever received in recovery. do not get me wrong, the removal of the desire to use was huge and i consider that my baseline, but not having to live any sort of lie any more feels so much more, oh i do not know, momentous? i know this recovery gig is a just for today sort of thing. i also know that i CHOOSE to live a program of active recovery, because for me, it is the easier, softer way. i also CHOOSE to be myself and stop worrying that my outsides do not match anyone else's.
i am a bit apprehensive this morning, as i have to go see another new gastro doctor. it is time for my triennial “down periscope” to verify that my precancerous condition has not morphed into esophageal cancer. once again i will have to explain why i am there and what i know about my “condition.” that, too, is as it is. i can fret and worry about scheduling or i can just be at peace and let the universe spin as it will. it is after all, a great day to be clean and to be walking on this side of the grass.

∞ DT ∞