Blog entry for:

to stop using, nothing more is required for membership in the fellowship that is my home, just for today. this is not the blog you seek, move along.
all levity aside, there are times when i think the bar to membership is far too low, and for me, once upon a time, far too high. without beating that dead horse much more, i was a regular meeting attendee for quite some time, before i had the desire to stay clean. i own that fact and without a doubt one of the most ironic facts of my recovery journey, is that the man who refused to accept that he is an addict, is now on the verge of completing two decades since the last time he used anything. as i sat in the meeting last night and actually listened to what was being said, i begin to wonder who really had the desire to stay clean and who was just “fronting” their recovery. my conclusion after 2.2 seconds of contemplation was: that it really did not matter, those who said all the right stuff could be just as sick as though who spoke as if they were clueless to what recovery was all about. it was that realization that inspired me to share about the line: “willingness without action is merely fantasy.” following that train of thought desire without willingness is insanity.
it is true, there were members in attendance last night, that i judged to have neither willingness or desire, before i had my teeny, tiny epiphany. what i heard this morning was although i “fronted” recovery for over two years after my first meeting, not everyone else does. my duplicity was mine and mine alone, and is probably not reflective of my peers, and yet it is my silly “gold” standard by which i weigh the sincerity, desire and willingness of my peers. as a result, in combination of my feelings about other areas of my life, i have been walking around with a permanent burn and notoriously bad attitude.
this morning, after struggling with letting go of my resentment for nearly two weeks, i can see i am feeling less angry and certainly better connected to me peers, even those who do not consider and self-administered IV does of water a relapse. i know for certain, for me and me alone, that would drop me smack dab into a whole bunch of reservations about what is and is not a drug, which would sooner or later end up in a place i choose not to go today: jails, institutions and death. where they may end up is beyond my ability to forecast, as i am, at least in this moment, abandoning my so-called gold standard and letting other be what they may be, hangers-on, dilettantes, tourists, thieves or members of the fellowship. as i have been each and every one of those, i know how grateful i can be today, when i say i DO have the desire NOT to use and to FIND a new way of living. my peers? well they have to arrive at the same conclusion by whatever process they need to, maybe it is just hanging out long enough until the desperation and pain of being becomes too much to handle. today, i am a member and glad that i did not have to sacrifice anything but a bettered self-image, a bit of conceit and arrogance and wall of denial to join my peers in recovery.

∞ DT ∞