Blog entry for:

in the fellowship that has given me this new way to live?
it is quite interesting this one of of the two themes i have been hearing running through my head lately. the first being can i possibly be cured? and if i am not cured what am i doing wrong? which are two lies that run together and feed off of each other. after all, if i have my doubts about being the “one person who believes in another addict,” how can i possibly be doing it right? which starts the spin cycle!
what i finally heard this morning, was that the real question is can i forgive the addict that has stolen my time, disrespected me, time and again and when everyone else has kicked them to the curb, comes a'running, seeking the solace and security that i have always offered them? if i was a follower of a particular religious path, turning the other cheek, would be the message i would be getting. i am not however part of that, and although i get the concept, that does not feel as if it is the answer i am seeking. it is a good thing that i do have a fellowship with its own set of notions of spiritual principles, which provide for me the guides i need to move forward. first and foremost, listen for knowledge of the next right thing to do with my heart, not my head or my ears, because for me, i am seeing more and more, that is the best organ to hear the direction of the POWER that fuels my recovery. plainly and simply, all i have to do is feel my way to the next right thing, and it will be as it is supposed to be. the fact that i have doubts about how “true” or “correct” my recovery path may or may not be, is not a bad thing. those thoughts allow me the freedom to examine what i am doing and make alterations to that path if necessary. the fact that i am seeking direction instead of believing that i know that direction, is also a good thing. what it ultimately comes down to is this: when i am at the same facility where that addict is currently being warehoused, will i take the time to go and see them? the reason for not going are far outweighed by the reasons for going, namely i am already there honoring a commitment i made to another addict, so there is no additional, or better put, very little additional effort required. it is true, that the focus of my maintenance steps over the past three days has been: “do i stay or do i go, and if i go there will be trouble but if i stay it will be double.”
just for right now? well just for now, it is time to hop in shower, shave my bristly face and then get behind the wheel of my automobile and head on down south to do the job i am richly rewarded for doing, and let go of the decisions i need to make this afternoon. and YES I AM DOING this recovery gig right.

∞ DT ∞