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when a sponsee asks me that question, my pat answer, is: are you clean today? so why when i wonder about the **quality** of my recovery program, do i have to go into all sorts of mental gymnastics to figure it out? the answer i keep coming back to, is that is just who i am, i want MORE than just clean time, i want what i have always lacked in my life, and when the changes are not coming fast enough, well, there must be something wrong with the program i am working. even worse, if after so much time, i am still doing the same sh!t i have always done, what sort of example am i setting for those who are in the rooms and early in their recovery. all of a sudden., i look at myself and my program as being a deterrent rather than an attraction to the program and wonder when the fellowship police will come and take me away.
then of course, i get a “sign” and all of my doubts are removed. i had that sort of “GOD shot” yesterday. many of you know that i carry the message to men that are currently wards of the state or county. as much as i would love to have every man that i carry the message to, get out and stay clean, it just doe not seem to happen very often. most of them are spiritual giants when they are in the therapeutic communities behind the walls, but they walk out and BOOM, they start the slide back towards their next visit as guests of the justice system. i digress, however, as i do this without expectations, just HOPE. most of time, i do not get any acknowledgement of the time and resources i invest, carrying the message, and that too, is how it should be. every now and again, something amazing happens that sets me back on my heels and reconfirms my FAITH, that i am doing the next right thing.
i have been working steadily with a man that is currently under the care of the Colorado Depatmant of Corrections. when i started working with him, almost 5 years ago, i had never met him and actually had to correspond with him for nearly a year before we spent any time face to face. fast forward to yesterday. i got a letter from him, telling me his parole date, which we both knew was coming, the unexpected part was that he told me he was grateful that i invested in him and his recovery. other than his family, i was the ONLY person who ever invested so much of my time with him. he was correct when he said i downplay my effort in that respect, after all that is part of the whole humility conundrum, that i am faced with on a daily basis. i did what i dis, i put in the miles and the time, because it was the next right thing to do. i was about to minimize that fact away, because it somehow feels wrong to crow about my efforts to carry a message and to give another addict HOPE that they too can be more than a criminal thug. anyhow, enough of the back story, his letter touched me in a way that i rarely get touched, the gratitude he expressed and the depth of that gratitude, gave me the HOPE that i continuing with my “ministry” as one of my normal friend calls it, was paying off for me. because, after all, it is all about me!
this morning i am certain that i want to stay clean, and more than that i KNOW that i do qualify for membership, as i have the desire to stay clean, but i want so much more, and i want to give back what was so freely given to me, to borrow a tired, but true cliché. so with that thought in mind, i think i will head towards the shower and get the little bit of work i have to get done today, done and see what this day brings. Chris M and Ellie, may prayers go out to you, after the trauma of lats night, rest assured i am here for you, all you have to do is ask.

∞ DT ∞