Blog entry for:

and of course, here is the rationalization for the so-called **personal program.** this reading and an misinterpretation of the the tradition have been the source of many of the ills, i have encountered in my personal recovery journey. which by the way is NOT a personal program of recovery, and yes it may feel like i am splitting hairs here. in reality i am stating a truth for me, as yes there is a HUGE difference between my experience in recovery(personal recovery journey) and the recovery program i have adopted to live by. the results of my work are certainly unique in many aspects, but the program i work has come down from those who have gone before me, in fact the line that most of those who work a personal program of recovery miss is: “if we want the kind of recovery we see in members we respect, we'll want to practice the kind of program that's made their recovery possible.”
yes IF i want then i WILL. pretty simple and direct. yet there are times when i chafe under the tutelage of those who have more time, and yes even who i respect. i want so badly to be unique and different. i want to be able to pick choose what parts of the program i will work, and which ones i will ignore. most importantly i want to have all the benefits but put in just enough effort to be “good enough.”
when i hear my peers speaking in the same sort of voice it certainly resonates in me. yes, i want to change the program to make it more comfortable for me, and most of all i want others to respect as i half-ass my way through my personal recovery journey. yes, i want stuff like rigorous honesty and integrity not to apply to me. i want to be able to say that i am clean, while exercising my red card privileges at the nearest dispensary or hitting my doctor up for opiates because of my chronic pain. do not misread that last statement, i understand that many in the fellowship suffer from chronic pain, how they manage their pain is not any of my business. what is my business, is how i manage my own. which again brings me back to rigorous application of THE program that has given me this new way of living. i could certainly have gone a whole different way, back when the accident that has brought me to a life of pain occurred. i probably could have got a whole lot more money, and i would have started my way up the pain killer food chain. THE program suggested to me, rather follow the ∗standard∗ medical path and end up with of a bottle of sumthin-sumthin in my medicine cabinet, that maybe an alternate route would work for me. and it certainly has! but now my practitioners are all moving away and changing to new ones is one of the most frightening tasks i have ever undertaken. i mean how do i explain the nature of the care i have been getting over the past twelve or thirteen years? it would just be easier for me to go hit up my internist for a bottle of or visit a dispensary doctor, to manage my pain, then to research and audition new medical providers. once again the easier softer way, looks the most appealing to me, and best of all, i can sail through the in times of illness loophole!
so for an addict like me, NOT altering the program to fit my personal life, is the way i have to go. i practice a program, however imperfectly, that comes from those i respect. the simple rule i follow, is if it is not in the fellowship approved literature than it is not part of my program. the converse is also true, if it is there and written directly, than it NEEDS to be part of my program and personal recovery journey. defects of character are painful, misnaming them or calling them by another name, may soften the blow, but it will not make me more ready to have them removed. in fact, for me, softening the blows to my ego and my self-image, is what active addiction was all, about, why would i want to return to that manner of living? being a part of a fellowship, working the program of recovery and applying it my own personal journey of recovery, is what i am about today. i can obfuscate with the best of them, even though i know where it will land me: jails institutions and death! today i choose to live my life by the program i have been given and allow myself the freedom to experience my personal recovery journey, just for today.

∞ DT ∞