Blog entry for:

to suit my peers in recovery, is not a way of life I relish. It however, a mode of living I often find myself volunteering to live in. I have been a member for a few days now, and although I realize what the only requirement for membership happens to be, I fall into the trap of judging the recovery of my peers by the language the use and how they treat themselves and others as they walk through their lives. This is my third or fourth time I have tried to write this. My ancient tablet is not doing a very good job of muti-tasking this morning, so I have to concentrate on this and let the rest of the world spin as it will.
I have to admit, not only am I member of my fellowship, I have also been part of the “fellowship” police, judging my peers and the quality of the their recovery programs, based on how they share and how they act. I can make all sort of excuses for that behavior and the facts are that although I no longer persecute my peers for their alleged misdeeds, I still think they are judging me. I want to “look” good in their eyes and often find myself acting “as if” I do not care, I really DO care.
As I serve my fellowship by carrying our message to those who have little access to recovery, I finally understand that like me, my peers are often doing the best with what they have. I get pumping up low self esteem by “inviting myself” along, even at the consequence of lowering my worth in the eyes of others. I get trying out new behaviors to see how they fit and having the courage to step out of the mold. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. When I let go of “looking good” I lose me desire to forcing others to live their programs as I have been taught to live mine. Before I get sidetracked any further, I think I will let go, sign-off and be okay letting others walk their paths as I walk mine, just for today.

∞ DT ∞