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i will practice that program to the best of my ability! this morning i kind of get this, and perhaps as as i dump what is on my mind, it will make better sense. no not the reading, what i felt and heard as i listened.
what echoes in the emptiness this morning was the line: IF you want what we have and are WILLING to make the effort to get it, THAN…
i forgot that no one can revoke my membership and it is my choice how much or how little spiritual suffering i want. since that is the case for me, it is the same for those who choose to have me sponsor them. i really hate watching them suffer, and IF it was up to me, BUT it is not. just as i am not doing what i need to do, and suffering a bit as a result, so they must also be allowed to find their own path to freedom. i have one sponsee who i have not heard from in over 18 months. his clean date is tomorrow, and i hope he is still clean. he chooses to cycle in and out of relationships, losing himself in them. when they come to an end, as they always seem to do for him, he is devastated. sometimes he calls and says he will recommit to the program, most of the time, he mopes around, depressed and starts trolling for his next relationship. the only constant in this journey is him, and yes he deserves better and perhaps he will get lucky and find a healthy long-term relationship, without any changes within himself, that is once again the freedom we has been given, as a result of the d\step work he has done to date.
i could go on and on, illustrating my point, but i too, fall into that same category. my FOURTH STEP sits untouched and for the most part unlamented. i have enough grace, that it is not weighing heavily on my spirit, although i do think about it, just about every morning as i start to write this little ditty to myself. today i have the freedom NOT to do step work, or NOT to live by spiritual principles and most importantly NOT to pick-up. BUT if i want to grow, i will have to make choices that support growth and eventually write what i have been choosing not to write. anyhow, more of the same, work the steps or die MF! and perhaps today will be the day i choose not do the former and not the latter. so it is off to work i go!

∞ DT ∞