Blog entry for:

of my ability, certainly sounds as if i am making excuses for how i work a program of recovery. after years of trying to work a program that **looked** like some version of the model recovering addict, i finally came to a program that requires no outside validation. the program i work today is the one that works the best for me. for the most part, it certainly takes on the appearance of the programs that are worked by my peers. i am involved in the fellowship, i attend meetings, i work steps, i sponsor and am sponsored and i stay clean, just for today. whether or not i do any of those tasks “enough” is for me and my sponsor to decide. gone are the days when i needed to look like my peers, in order to feel comfortable with myself.gone are the days when i had to to boast and brag about how “well” i lived the facets of my recovery program. gone are the days, where i care about how others see my program. all of that got pitched in the dumpster in this step cycle and i GET the freedom to be who i am, today.
to be honest, though, i still value the input of my peers, trusted associates, friends and sponsor. i know that i am far from being perfect and have much to learn. in fact the depth of what i do not know about life in recovery is overwhelming at times and i have to look to those who walk this path ahead of me, for direction. my life in recovery has taken a HUGE step forward and although i am a S.ponsor I.n N.ame O.nly for several men, that is their stuff, not mine. i can say that i am ready to call my sponsor and ask to move on, into my dreaded SIXTH STEP. dreaded, just because i hate it so much, even though there is a STEP SEVEN, to relieve the pain of SIX. i want to continue becoming a person that i have hidden in plain sight for far too long and i know the path to that metamorphosis is to continue working the steps.
stepping out for a workout this morning and letting go of what is not true anymore, seems to be the theme of my life these days. i can continue to commiserate about my lack of responses from potential new employers, or i can keep putting myself out there and doing my best to find that next opportunity. i can continue to whine about my past, or i can step into this new day, seeking the opportunities i need to define my real identity. i can compare and contrast the program of recovery i work, with that of my peers, measuring m,y progress against their external appearances and find myself lacking or i can take the seed of this exercise to heart and work the best possible program for me, to the best of my ability, just for today.

∞ DT ∞