Blog entry for:

connects me to my peers in recovery. a bit of creative editing there to make the headline match what i heard in the source material this morning, no apologies for that, as this is my space and i write what i have the desire to write. more than once i have been taken to task about the content i post here and each and every time i have pushed back saying that this is my opinion and that i do not need to defend myself. not a soul in the worlds is “required” to read whatever i happen to post, so if one feels “victimized” or put-off by what they find here, one is more than free to toddle off to a more comfortable place on the internet, as i make no apologies for what happens to show up here on a fairly regular basis. i am not sure what “triggered” this bit of screed, but that too is part of who i am. ever since i have moved beyond living my life as other people may have me live it, i am apt to go down a rabbit hole or three on a fairly consistent basis. that being said, it is time to dive into what i heard as i sat, before i got all caught up in living my life through the eyes of everyone else.
speaking of rabbit-holes, i just went way off on a tangent, that started when i wrote about having my travel plans altered because my hiking partner needs to deal with some family matters. in fact, i lost about 100 characters of text as well as my train of thought, dealing with what will be, rather than being in the now. i can say that without a doubt, i am more than likely not on any sort of Attention Deficit Spectrum, but boy oh boy, would i love the claim that i am, so i could be a “victim” rather than a volunteer, when i get distracted and head off on a tangent.
when i consider how and why i am connected to those with whom i share my recovery, i get easily confused and have the desire to move on to another topic, as evidenced by this little exercise this morning. as i was growing up and throughout my active addiction i fronted that i NEVER wanted to be like anyone else, when on the inside i was doing everything i could to be just like them, so i could fit in. that belief and behavior cycle kept me separated from my peers for most of my early recovery and lingered forever. i had resigned to the fact that “something” may be inherently wrong with me and surrendered to the notion that was what as going to be. the release of my last FIFTH STEP revealed to me what it was that i has still hiding and that the shame of an event decades ago still colored my world and kept me from wanting to connect, after all, what would “they” if they knew what i was hiding. i am no longer shamed by that event but i am still not shouting about form the rooftops. those who know me and whom i trust with my life, know that once secret shame and have moved on, as have i. because i have moved beyond having to hide, i have the ability and the desire to be more social and to connect on a deeper level with my peers in recovery, as i am quite certain that they too, have at least one secret shame to bear. i see more similarities these days than differences and am seeking the ways and means to be even more tightly connected with those around me, despite the danger of being wounded, after all taking risks is more exciting that worrying about the outcomes of taking a risk or two.

∞ DT ∞