ยฑ as i recover, i am gaining a new outlook on being clean.... ยฑ
Posted: Sat, Jun 11, 2011 08:10:08 AM
life is certainly becoming a new adventure for me. like all adventures, there is mystery, excitement, victories, thrills, chills and of who could forget spills. one of which is my second attempt at running a 10 K race in under my age. ???? i hear from the dismayed crowd, that is correct, for the math or information challenged out there, what that means is that i run the race in 54 minutes or less.
the reading however, did not strike me so much as life being an adventure sort of theme, and even though overtly it spoke about the difference between living clean and living in active addiction, that too, was not what was put on my heart.
what i heard this morning, was that clean living for me, was matching my deeds to my word and belief system. living clean was much more than not using, BECAUSE i have learned and am still learning how to make recovery part of my daily living routine. i am not talking about the abstinence gig, that has to come first, nor am i talking about the meetings and calling an addict gig, as that is also part of that very first stage of recovery and for me, the rest is dependent upon that particular tripod. what i am talking about is living the program through applying the steps and the lessons i have learned from step work to my daily life. one of the biggest hangups i had about organized religion, was how they talked about doing stuff, then went right out and did stuff that was exactly contrary to what they said they wanted to do. that action, in and of itself was bad enough, than to throw the rationalization on it that after all they are sinners and not saints, really used to get my goat. so when i see recovering addicts engaging in the exact same set of behaviors i reach the same conclusion about recovery that i reached about organized religion all those years ago, it does not work, after all…
i am far from being some sort of recovery saint, and i am seeing that length of clean time, while a possible indicator of spiritual growth, is just that one of many, an indicator. living clean therefore has come to mean for me, that i not only say i am tolerant, i do my bet to be tolerant, and when i am not, i own that, and do what i NEED to do, to learn to be m,ore tolerant. i do not make excuses or tie my behaviors to some sort of grand divine mission. in other words i accept my mistakes, admit those mistakes and move on into a life where making that same mistake becomes a little more difficult because i am aware of it. i do not claim some sort of moral high ground here as i am an human first, than a man, than an addict, so with all of that working against me, i AM going to behave badly, PERIOD.living clean, means that i do my absolute best to be present for what is going on inside of me, and behave in a manner that is appropriate to what is happening around me, in the here and now.
and so the adventure continues. it is time to start getting ready to roll, it promised to be a full day and perhaps i can be a spiritual being that happens to be trapped in this oh so human body. i am ready to be more than i was yesterday and with the assistance of the recovery program i practice that can be possible.
the reading however, did not strike me so much as life being an adventure sort of theme, and even though overtly it spoke about the difference between living clean and living in active addiction, that too, was not what was put on my heart.
what i heard this morning, was that clean living for me, was matching my deeds to my word and belief system. living clean was much more than not using, BECAUSE i have learned and am still learning how to make recovery part of my daily living routine. i am not talking about the abstinence gig, that has to come first, nor am i talking about the meetings and calling an addict gig, as that is also part of that very first stage of recovery and for me, the rest is dependent upon that particular tripod. what i am talking about is living the program through applying the steps and the lessons i have learned from step work to my daily life. one of the biggest hangups i had about organized religion, was how they talked about doing stuff, then went right out and did stuff that was exactly contrary to what they said they wanted to do. that action, in and of itself was bad enough, than to throw the rationalization on it that after all they are sinners and not saints, really used to get my goat. so when i see recovering addicts engaging in the exact same set of behaviors i reach the same conclusion about recovery that i reached about organized religion all those years ago, it does not work, after all…
i am far from being some sort of recovery saint, and i am seeing that length of clean time, while a possible indicator of spiritual growth, is just that one of many, an indicator. living clean therefore has come to mean for me, that i not only say i am tolerant, i do my bet to be tolerant, and when i am not, i own that, and do what i NEED to do, to learn to be m,ore tolerant. i do not make excuses or tie my behaviors to some sort of grand divine mission. in other words i accept my mistakes, admit those mistakes and move on into a life where making that same mistake becomes a little more difficult because i am aware of it. i do not claim some sort of moral high ground here as i am an human first, than a man, than an addict, so with all of that working against me, i AM going to behave badly, PERIOD.living clean, means that i do my absolute best to be present for what is going on inside of me, and behave in a manner that is appropriate to what is happening around me, in the here and now.
and so the adventure continues. it is time to start getting ready to roll, it promised to be a full day and perhaps i can be a spiritual being that happens to be trapped in this oh so human body. i am ready to be more than i was yesterday and with the assistance of the recovery program i practice that can be possible.
∞ DT ∞