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the truth addiction rather than hiding or denying it. okay, i took a few liberties with the quote i lifted to better fit my world view, so sue me :)
i certainly could go into why i did what i did, however today is not a day where i feel i need to explain myself, suffice it to say, that the passage, altered as it is, is certainly an honest admission at how i look at this whole gig, at least right here and right now.
for me, the using life was not one of physical squalor. regardless of how low i went, how i broke i got, it was important to me to maintain appearances, so my space was always cluttered but not dirty and i did my damnedest to shower every day and wear clean clothes. other than long-sleeved shirts on ninety degree days, there were no outward signs of the squalor of active addiction in my life, however that charade ended when you got to see beneath the surface. as a result, i did my best to keep that inner squalor and decay hidden from the rest of the world, even as it was killing me and making me insane. so the whole gig of living clean, abstinent from drugs, as well as a caring loving and participating member of my life, was quite foreign and more than a bit uncomfortable for me. nevertheless, i wanted to stay out of prison and so i grudgingly complied with all the little things my peers suggested that i do, and here i am, 6100 days later, still doing the gig, so there must be something that is paying off.
that is it precisely, the payoff. i have heard repeated ad nauseum from many of my peers that they are “bottom-line” kind of people, and if there was no payoff, they would stop doing the gig. one of those members is currently out there messing up what is left of the life they built up across the span of days that is was paying off. they are a living example to me, of what i will become, once the decay and squalor start to creep into my inner being. not that they happen to be decayed and squalid, as they have not really talked to me for quite some time, but speaking from my own experience, being the cynic that i am, decay and squalor on the inside is certainly a path that would follow for me. i know where i came from,. the uncaring, selfish and self-centered prick that walked into the rooms, trying to figure out all the angles, is not that far away. the only thing that keeps that man at bay, is the program of recovery i have been given. it is not like i have two personalities or i am trying to suppress who i am. the person i was when i walked in here, is who i still am, however today i CHOOSE to live in a different manner and when i am not driven by a NEED to get high, amazing things happen.
one of those amazing things is that i become not only employable, but actually an asset to my employer, which sadly brings me to the end of this exercise this morning. i am running way late, to get top that job, so i will end with this. just for today, i am glad that the program of recovery has removed the inner squalor and decay that was once my existences and that today, i can choose to live in a different manner.

∞ DT ∞