β i feel clean because i am living clean β
Posted: Mon, Jun 11, 2012 07:39:37 AM
and that is the way i want to keep itΒ ! s quick apology to my conservative freinds and readers for my little jab at all of you, i know that if you are reading this, you are more than likely following a path similar to mine, and you do the next right thing, just because it is the next right thing. enough of that, on to the topic at hand…
living clean, at least according to the reading this morning, means a whole lot more than just not using, BUT that is where it starts, at least as far as i am concerned. this whole clean living gig was a total mystery to me, when i walked into the rooms, and mostly remained that way for the next few months, even after i finally came to recovery. yes, it was in another fellowship and yes, i stayed clean, but i was sober and learning what living clean actually meant was still not in the cards for this addict for another 18 months or so, although, intuitively i was starting to get a clue or two.
so what does living clean mean to me today? well a bit of a history lesson first. when i was in active addiction, i used rationalizations and justifications to get through my days. if asked, i would have said i was honest, had integrity and was generally a good person. that was true up to a point. as reality broke down that illusion, using rationalizations to salve what was left of my guilty conscience was the mason to restore my fantasy. when that failed, why of course there was always a substance or behavior close at hand to bolster the fiction that allowed me to sleep at night.
getting busted and tossed into jail, made me desire to look compliant, but now that my comforatable bubble of illusion was burst, i began to see and act more like the person i had become as a result of active addiction, if i was going to be treated like the criminal i was, than dang it i might as well be open about and live accordingly, so the rooms were where i came to act-out and get the fVck out of my legal troubles. like many in my situation, that was far from a solution as i was not ready to get clean nor was i willing to live clean. after all if a crimnal was what they wanted than dammit i was finally going to be a good one, starting with using when i could and getting away with it, after all rules and regualtions were for suckers and not for me.
i am grateful that the POWER that fuels my recovery had a different plan in store for me. three or four months of acting clean and sober in the rooms while doing what i could get away with on the streets was abruptly ended in a chain of highly unlikely events and i was given the choice plainly and simply -> criminal or recovery. not having any desire to pay a consequence, i chose recovery, as a criminal i believed it would be the easier and softer way and i would never succumb to it on any level.
ironic how things turn out, after i opened my mind just enough to stick around until my sentence was complete. 15 years later, i am still in the rooms, a different fellowship for sure, the hyphen removed from what i call msyelf, and a single program of recovery for treating addiction and not the abuse of one or many substances.
learning to live clean and be true to myself, is the hardest task i have ever undertaken and you know what, DAMMIT i am grateful that i finally did take it on. as i sat in prison yesterday morning, i was struck with how easily it could ahve been me on the other side of that glass. that does go to the point, because i have lived clean, at least to the best of my ability, i GET to go to prison and leave the same day, 90 minutes after i walk into those locked doors. living clean means i do my best to do the next right thing, just because it is the next right thing to do. living clean means that my outside match my insides. lving clean mean that i do my bet to be awake and present for what is going on in the world around me. living clean, is that i do my best to follow the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. and i do all of this, just for today. am i perfect it? not by a long shot and today i can own that as well. the real irony here, is that after doing this for a few days in a row, i have the deire to do it yest again today and i know i have that choice again tomorrow, IF i live clean today, and i like the freedom to choose. with that i do believe i will choose to end this and enjoy teh morning news as my commute to Denver concludes, it is after all a great day to live clean!
living clean, at least according to the reading this morning, means a whole lot more than just not using, BUT that is where it starts, at least as far as i am concerned. this whole clean living gig was a total mystery to me, when i walked into the rooms, and mostly remained that way for the next few months, even after i finally came to recovery. yes, it was in another fellowship and yes, i stayed clean, but i was sober and learning what living clean actually meant was still not in the cards for this addict for another 18 months or so, although, intuitively i was starting to get a clue or two.
so what does living clean mean to me today? well a bit of a history lesson first. when i was in active addiction, i used rationalizations and justifications to get through my days. if asked, i would have said i was honest, had integrity and was generally a good person. that was true up to a point. as reality broke down that illusion, using rationalizations to salve what was left of my guilty conscience was the mason to restore my fantasy. when that failed, why of course there was always a substance or behavior close at hand to bolster the fiction that allowed me to sleep at night.
getting busted and tossed into jail, made me desire to look compliant, but now that my comforatable bubble of illusion was burst, i began to see and act more like the person i had become as a result of active addiction, if i was going to be treated like the criminal i was, than dang it i might as well be open about and live accordingly, so the rooms were where i came to act-out and get the fVck out of my legal troubles. like many in my situation, that was far from a solution as i was not ready to get clean nor was i willing to live clean. after all if a crimnal was what they wanted than dammit i was finally going to be a good one, starting with using when i could and getting away with it, after all rules and regualtions were for suckers and not for me.
i am grateful that the POWER that fuels my recovery had a different plan in store for me. three or four months of acting clean and sober in the rooms while doing what i could get away with on the streets was abruptly ended in a chain of highly unlikely events and i was given the choice plainly and simply -> criminal or recovery. not having any desire to pay a consequence, i chose recovery, as a criminal i believed it would be the easier and softer way and i would never succumb to it on any level.
ironic how things turn out, after i opened my mind just enough to stick around until my sentence was complete. 15 years later, i am still in the rooms, a different fellowship for sure, the hyphen removed from what i call msyelf, and a single program of recovery for treating addiction and not the abuse of one or many substances.
learning to live clean and be true to myself, is the hardest task i have ever undertaken and you know what, DAMMIT i am grateful that i finally did take it on. as i sat in prison yesterday morning, i was struck with how easily it could ahve been me on the other side of that glass. that does go to the point, because i have lived clean, at least to the best of my ability, i GET to go to prison and leave the same day, 90 minutes after i walk into those locked doors. living clean means i do my best to do the next right thing, just because it is the next right thing to do. living clean means that my outside match my insides. lving clean mean that i do my bet to be awake and present for what is going on in the world around me. living clean, is that i do my best to follow the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. and i do all of this, just for today. am i perfect it? not by a long shot and today i can own that as well. the real irony here, is that after doing this for a few days in a row, i have the deire to do it yest again today and i know i have that choice again tomorrow, IF i live clean today, and i like the freedom to choose. with that i do believe i will choose to end this and enjoy teh morning news as my commute to Denver concludes, it is after all a great day to live clean!
∞ DT ∞