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and i am grateful to be doing so at long last.
when i read this reading this morning, i had a couple of diverging thoughts, and both of them had to do with ideas i have heard expressed in the rooms over the course of the past week. first off, my own confession here. quite honestly i very rarely felt “dirty” when i was in active addiction. what could not be eliminated through the very liberal and judicious use of this and that, was quickly rationalized, justified and eliminated through my flawed logic.. “after all,” and “but everybody,” were top of my hit parade. i was ALWAYS the victim, never a volunteer or perpetrator. i expected everyone to take pity on me, and if i was injured doing something wrong and destroying what was yours, i expected you to be more concerned about my physical well-being, rather than the monetary damage i just caused. in short, i expected my feelings, my desires and my wishes to be paramount to all else, and i never left any victims in my wake, as i could always find what seemed a valid justification for whatever the fVck i was doing. coming to terms with this part of me, took me quite some time, and yes i had a rationalization for that: “after all we did not become addicted in a day…”even as i started this set of steps, that attitude was still playing in the background like a broken record and just below my conscious awareness. i get to see this in myself through the lens of my peers, my friends and my acquaintances.
back to the notion of this round of steps. the idea that i was always blameless, even when i seemed to be confessing my evils to the world around me, is a bit disconcerting at this point in my life and my recovery. one would imagine that i would be better by now and one would certainly be correct, i am better now. i see my behaviors, attitudes and actions for what they are. just as living clean, means: “just for today, no matter what, i will not use,” as i stay clean it begins to take on a deeper meaning.not using people, was the first layer of this journey and for me that came quickly to the surface. when i stopped using others though, i also found myself manipulating situations to improve the lack of self-esteem that just became painfully evident. i was not healthy enough to let others all the way into my life but i needed to look like i was part of the greater whole. service to my fellowship was that vehicle, and i wore that mantle just as a martyr wears sackcloth and ashes. the mantle of “selfless service” was far from selfless and was a trap that took years to extricate myself from, gratefully, the damage i did, if any seems insignificant in the big scheme of things. that does not mean that i am any sort of victim here. playing to my low self-esteem is not an excuse and does not wash away the mixed motives i once had. the interesting part of that particular phase in my journey, was that the more attention i got, the worse i felt and the better i started behaving. when i turned the spotlight off of me, and focused on the primary purpose after all, i started my journey to wholeness.
part of this step journey has been becoming a part of the fellowship and the life i have been given,. it is not that after three sets of steps, i had not started that transformation, but that aspect of who and what i was, was neglected. no, everything i had uncovered up to this point was the jumping off point, to becoming what was always missing from my awareness, a need to move from being a victim into becoming a wholly realized person. working with other members brought me to the realization that somewhere down the line, i had lost myself in the swirl of dishonesty and blame i had created. the reading today about living clean is providing some insight into what i had been dismissing all these days, namely that no matter what i did, there was always a very good reason for it, and “i was really high at the time,” or “ after all what would one expect from an addict, ” no longer cuts it anymore. IF i want to continue my journey into becoming whole, genuine and self-aware, i need to pay attention to what has gone on in the past and what i s going on in the here and now. yes i may be a victim of somebody's bad behavior, but that can no longer provide the justification for me to do the same. tit-for-tat, no matter how good it may make me feel, in the here and now, always has more dire consequences for me somewhere down the road. part of living clean, at least for me, is no longer expecting others to own their part in what happens, it is up to me to own mine and move along. speaking of which, it is approaching the time for me to get rolling on over to my Saturday morning meeting. it is a wonderful day to be clean and to live clean as well.

∞ DT ∞