Blog entry for:

for me, the clean life. alright got to be quite honest here, i was without a shadow of a doubt one of those who looked askance at those who did not use, and believed they were certainly missing the magic bus. of course my opinion was much stronger than that, i saw them as “weak and feeble” and not worth one minute of my time. that was of course, unless i needed something from them, money, love, affection, attention and the list goes on and on. i have been through the litany of what i was, how i acted and who i manipulated, conned and lied to, more than once, time to move along, this is not the content you seek.
living clean has changed a whole bunch of those very familiar and seemingly omnipresent behaviors. those so-called “old” beliefs, behaviors and attitudes, can still be activated today, especially when i am in a crisis of FAITH and am seeking comfort and succor, from something anything. over the past eight weeks, it was a fallback to always being just a little bit pissed off, which i used to joke was a whole lot better than being pissed on. that low, rolling boil, allowed me to take out my frustrations, disappointments and general malaise on anyone who was convenient and whom i knew would not be able to strike back at me. namely my co-workers, my clients, service workers and everyone with whom i shared the road with, on a daily basis. the break i had nine days ago was only a coming to an understanding, as it took another eight days, to finally let go of the burn and the heat i felt, every single time i thought about how downtrodden and abused i was by my former corporate masters. even as i write this, this morning i cannot see how i was fit company for anyone across the course of my being stuck and living a clean life in name only. it is true i did not use and i did a fairly good job about keeping my lack of spiritual practices on the 𝔇 𝔏, but it was a sham and the man behind the curtain, needed to be paid attention to.
this morning, as i txt back and forth with one of the men i have the honor of calling a sponsee, i am stuck by the way he uses language in a manner that is similar to how i do so. using words to minimize what i do, take the sting out of my not so spiritual actions and obfuscate what i am feeling, is a familiar part of those “old” behaviors. when i lack the courage to move forward, through a crisis in FAITH, i resort to what worked so well fro me in the past. being clean does not mean that i am cured, or even better on some days. living clean, means i “try” and do my best, knowing full well that i will fail at reaching that ideal. just as Sisyphus knows he will never crest the hill with that boulder, i am in the same spot, my boulder is addiction and my hill is life. i can regret being in this state, or i can allow myself the freedom to move on, accepting, as that king of Corinth does, that this be my current fate and railing against it, denying it and playing the victim to it, will not advance me as a person, or a spiritual being. living clean, at least for me, means to do better than i think i have the ability to, at living these spiritual principle and leave practicing them to the amateurs, as i am quite certain as one of my service commitments calls me a “professional recovering addict.”

∞ DT ∞