Blog entry for:

i continue to discover the clean that comes from admitting the truth about who and what i am, rather than hiding or denying my addiction.
okay, what i am going to say will probably piss someone off, and that is too fVCking bad. in my opinion CLEAN TIME DOES COUNT and those who say it does not, are generally those who cannot accumulate any of it. there was a line in the story we read at the meeting on Sunday, where she said she had to FORGET everything she learned in her 13 years of clean-time, when she came back after a relapse, BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY SHE WOULD BE TEACHABLE. what she did not say was clean-time was unimportant, she said it was NOT ENOUGH. ironically one of the biggest “victims” of the revolving door syndrome, thinks that somehow what they learned in their last go around will assist them in this one. if that was the case, then they would still have clean-time and not be starting over again and again and again, blaming everyone but themselves for their relapse.
enough of the bandwagon, for me, clean time is just the start. our book also says that complacence is THE ENEMY of those with time clean. that lesson has been driven home quite succinctly and forcefully lately, as i am seeing over and over again what happens to those who stall on their steps, disrespect and lie to their peers in recovery and start thing that clean-time is the end all be all of recovery. i have seen the misery return and wipe out any memory of the good times. i have seen the downward spiral that starts with a little harmless fun and ends up with needle to the neck. i have seen the fall from grace and into the pit of active addiction and i do not want any of that.
so i have some days, i have worked some steps and i still serve my fellowship, but that is not enough to ensure that i can stay clean today. i get that and as a result, i do my best to carry the principles of recovery i have read about and wrote about, into my daily life, no matter how imperfectly i do so. my number of days clean is a testament to the fact i do it well enough to be a member of the “NO MATTER WHAT” club and in this case, some of the time, just getting by is more than enough. i also know that i cannot count on my clean time to keep me clean tomorrow, so i have to do what i can to foster my recovery today. which means, live the steps, hang with my peers in recovery, look for and do the next right thing, and hit a meeting. with that sort of plan, chances are good i will wake up tomorrow with the desire to stay clean, no matter what, surrender my will and my life to the program and the POWER that fuels my recovery and do the next right thing.
i am grateful for my clean time today, grateful that there are those in our fellowship that have more of it and grateful that there are those who are doing their level best to get more of it. all of us have one thing in common, the desire not to use right now, and the program that provides a simple way to foster that desire. which does bring me to the end, as i have to get rolling into work. it is a good day to be clean and i WILL do whatever it takes to stay clean, as using is always an option, just one i choose not to exercise today.

∞ DT ∞