Blog entry for:

for me, the biggest part of living clean, after the notion of not using anything, no matter what, is living the values i espouse. for the longest time, i fronted being spiritual, when in actuality i was a judgmental, self-righteous as$$hole. the behavior of showing the world someone other than me, was started a very long time ago, polished to near perfection in active addiction and carried forth into recovery. so over the course of the past few days, becoming genuine and whole, has been a recurrent theme in my life.
what that means, is that when someone tells me something in confidence, it remains in my confidence, no matter how fVcked up i may judge it to be. it also means that if i do not like someone, then i need to let them know, kindly and courteously, but definitively nevertheless. i have been finding myself in one untenable situation after another lately, mainly because i find myself fronting trust and concern towards those who i will not turn my back on, or even care if they find whatever they are seeking beyond another day clean. this dichotomy of behavior and feeling is making me feel less than whole, and when i start to slide down into that pit of self-abuse, i become ready to do anything to numb those feelings, even if that relief only lasts twenty minutes. yes it would be nice if this program said“if i got up in the morning, and after examining my motives for my plans for the day, find them less than pure, then i could just go back to bed.”
part of what set this off, is the misinterpretation of what the literature said, that came from the mouth of my friend the other night. now more than ever i find myself listening to what others are saying especially when they purport to be quoting form the literature and most of the time, i find them spot on. today, i find myself in a similar situation, how do i tell a peer, that my interactions with them make me feel “dirty” and “slimy.” not that i think i will have the opportunity to do so today, but it is something that is running through my head. i mean seriously, i want to look like some spiritual guru, especially when i am struggling with issues about who i am, and how i show that to the world. the reality is, that i am just another addict, who is doing my best to recover, and if i was to present a newcomer with a little white book, it certainly would not be pre-highlighted with what i thought were the most salient points. if i was to quote from literature, i would make damn sure that what i thought it said, was what it actually said. if i was to “newcomer” project, i would make sure that i could support them long enough to get on their feet and present them with opportunity after opportunity to slide into typical addict behavior. most importantly, if i was to expect someone to do something or be someone, i need to remember that the literature does say that expectations are premeditated resentments, and be prepared to be disappointed. all this and much much more has been running through my head over the course of the past few days, and i know of only one acceptable to me manner to get rid of it all.: put it into the context of the step i am working, finish writing that step and call the sponse.
i do however need to get rolling on down the road, it is a great day to be clean and most importantly let the world know who i am.

∞ DT ∞