Blog entry for:

in which i treat myself oftentimes feels dirty, even with a bit of time **clean.** living clean is an interesting concept and one that i can interpret to use as part of the rationalization system that protects my denial. speaking for myself, those days between when i used the last time and finally grew the desire to not use, no matter what, illustrates that notion. sure i was abstinent from all mind and mood altering substances, but that was to be compliant with the terms of the 20th Judicial District. i certainly could have been a member before that fateful night in Little Neck, New Jersey, but denial and the rationalization of “at least i am not…” prevented that from happening on my recent road-trip with my significant other, she asked me about two events in my life, in which i made a sane decision that ended up being life-altering. the first was never to be “dope sick” again and avoid all physically addicting drugs, and the second was to come back to Colorado from a vacation with a using buddy and pee clean into the bottle. that first event happened when i was seventeen and although i enjoyed the ride of that substance, i did not enjoy the consequences. just as i was unwilling to pay the consequence for using that night in New Jersey. those two choices, one in active addiction and one in forced abstinence, laid the ground work for what has become my new manner of living. odd as it seems, i often forget to be grateful for those two moments of clarity and resolve. it is not that i came back from New Jersey a changed man, but my denial structure was certainly shaken and i started to come to the realization that addiction was not some alien force that possessed me against my will. addiction was a part of me that was entwined in all thought and did. staying abstinent was no longer enough to keep the part if me i have come to call addiction at bay and something more was needed in my life.
whew, that certainly took a bit of effort to get where i was going.when i look at the manner i am living these days, i set very high expectations for myself. twenty-one years clean, means something and i EXPECT to ALWAYS choose the next right thing to do. when i discover myself acting human, making a mistake, trampling on the feelings of another or taking a less than stellar shortcut, i beat myself severely with the spiked club of, “YOU SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THAT, BY NOW!” it is no longer amusing to me to find myself engaged in “shady” behavior, or to cut and run because i cannot honor my commitment to an uncomfortable social situation. the trick has now become uncovering that behavior before i get too deep within it. when i hear myself saying “at least i am not…” to excuse my current behavior, then that club comes out and once again i throw myself on the mercy of the unmerciful judge, jury and executioner that resides between my ears. so where is the HOPE?
for me, just for today, the HOPE is that i find myself making that excuse less and less. the HOPE is that when i sit down to review my day, at the end of every day, there is less and less that needs to be corrected. not that i have become some sort of saint or recovery guru, despite having the desire to appear that way, but that i acknowledge i am human, flawed as the rest of the human race happens to be, but striving to be a but better version of myself than i was yesterday. that includes releasing my expectations of where i “SHOULD” be and accepting that i have choices that may lead to becoming the person my dawg thinks i am.

∞ DT ∞