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these days, however, i can look for that elusive silver lining, without feeling like i have betrayed myself on any level. it is true, sometimes the world sucks. it is true, sometimes it sucks to be me. it is true that sometimes it feels like there is absolutely no point to going on. i can acknowledge all of that and come to accept it, but does that mean that is a place where i need to dwell? i have never been one of those always look on the bright side of life people and those eternal cheerleaders often drive me to such a distraction that i want to puke and scream that life is not always…
as the cynical and dark person who walked into this life of recovery, the journey from there is good and i always have to take care of me first and foremost, as no one else would, has been a long and sometimes arduous one. as the seed to this exercise suggests, that old cynicism follows me today and you know what, a healthy dose of cynicism is probably not a bad thing for me. i understand that is who i am, and i also get that is not who i have to remain. being a person who is used to being extreme, finding a spot where cynicism and looking on the bright side can coexist, is what i heard when i quietly listened to what the reading this morning was saying to me. i could not run 14 miles yesterday, so how i look at that event today is telling about how far i have come, since walking into the rooms.
first off, i chose not stop when i felt myself going into physical distress, even though i was running with others and being all about appearances, i went to how weak and feeble i would look in their eyes. honestly, i was weak and feeble in that specific instance and as i stated yesterday, i now have a goal to work towards, completing that task.
however the cynic and critic within has plenty more to say about that. the excuses start to fly when i do not want to see myself as weak and feeble through the eyes of someone else. it was windy, it was hot, i ate the wrong breakfast, i was not hydrated enough, it was the 9th of July and so on. until we get to the ultimate, i am not good enough nor am i worth enough to make this run a reality. boy that was a piece of cake, and more than a little bit of fun!
there it is the ultimate piece of that nest of negativism. the one argument that can and has stopped me dead in my tracks no matter how long i am clean and how many trips through the steps i have made. where did i ever get the idea that i am not worth reaching for the stars? why in the course of living life through the lens of active addiction. i gave away my ability to dream and to work towards goals that appeared forever beyond my grasp. a life that deprives me still of the ability to want the best for msyelf and see the good and positive in the world around me. yes a healthy dose of cynicism is not a bad thing, it is when it overwhelms everything else, that it becomes unhealthy for me. i will probably never turn into ‘Donnie Sunshine’ and that is okay with me. what i can turn into is a balanced person, with an outlook on life that is both positive and negative and a manner of sharing what i feel in a manner that is non-threatening and certainly non-harmful to those that i encounter in my daily living.
so on that note, i think i will get my stuff ready for the service gig i have this afternoon and do some work that i need to get done. it is a good day to get clean, and if i allow myself, i think that maybe i too, can look on the bright side of life.

∞ DT ∞