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i find that life goes a lot easier when i replace my negative thinking with positive principles. LA-LA-LA-DE-DAH! is it now time to fart a few daises and sh!t a few rainbows? not by a long shot, i really get annoyed when i begin to think that seeing life as it really is, is part of being negative. i have a sponsee, who insists on telling me what a good person he and the woman he has chosen as his flavor of this prison stint are. he tells me he does this, because i do not tell him often enough, if at all, and that is part of being positive and developing an attitude of positive thinking. i can cast all sorts of motives into that behavior but what it is really is avoidance of the issues at hand, that keep landing him in the situation he is now.
yes, i am dark, cynical and certainly a realist. for me developing a positive attitude does not mean denial, rationalization or justification or even any spin. i am who i am, and coming to terms with that is part of developing a positive attitude. being part of a pissing match with an unarmed opponent yesterday was not a positive thing to do. she is so fVcking clueless and more than once i was ready to reach out and severely teach her who the fVck i am. realistically, i know it would have felt great and i could have easily justifies it, after all, it was her that ratcheted it up to that point, by insisting she has a part in my life, because that same sponsee gave her permission to call me and continues to ask her to do so. that sort of disrespect is something i do not tolerate well, especially when it comes from someone who tells me he is my friend. well he has at least until January to think about what friendship happens to be, and more than likely until after his birthday next July before they set him free. in the mean time, i will work out my issues, and move on, because quite honestly i have given those two fVcks way too much power over me.
ah, but this is supposed to be about developing positive attitudes and here i am puking all over two victims of active addiction, who know no better, i mean seriously, WTF!?
the positive part of this, is i am finally seeing what it is that is bothering me so much, i have given away my personal power, felt it slipping away and lashed out to try and get it back, blaming the recipients for my actions and behaviors. nice work, when you can get it! so seeing my part in this fiasco, i see that i can sick and obsess about it, OR i can seek the power to change what i can in this situation, which is me. yes my itsy-bitsy feelings were hurt, they will fade in time, because of all the feelings i have been experiencing lately, those are the very least. yes, someone crossed a boundary, well after my behavior yesterday, i am more than certain, she will not be coming back anytime soon, as i have set a boundary there and i will not let it be crossed. the warning shots in that battle have been fired and the next time, they will come even closer to the mark. more than likely, i will have the rest of the summer to allow myself the freedom to move out from under this shadow and back into the light in this situation.today i can do the next right thing, which is prepare to go to work, get the project that has been on my desk for the part week completed and move on as well. most importantly the most positive thing i can do for myself today, is to let go, forgive and start the process of tolerance about two people who do not know any better. and the text time someone says, “i am sober wow surprised after all your time clean how you are treating me.” i will let them know that clean time, nor recovery does not take away the part of me being human. the only way to deal with an uninvited guest is to kick them out, and make it clear in no uncertain terms that they are not welcome to come back. i am reclaiming my power today and moving on, and for me that is a move in a positive direction. time will tell, but i did sleep well last night, after my inventory, when i got to look at my part and there is no corrective action required, except to myself and that starts this morning with my reclamation project.

∞ DT ∞