Blog entry for:

for my shortcomings down to a fine science. yes, what i heard this morning was directly related to the third disturbing realization, and it certainly piqued my interest. i am way off my beaten path today, and the past 24 have been, to say the least, very interesting, in the Chinese curse sense of that term. i really do not need to dwell on how things have been less than stellar today, and over the course of the past day. so when i sat down this morning, to listen and pay attention to what was happening inside of me, i got a glimpse of the chaos that is swirling all around me. what i heard was to take all of these events, attitudes and changes in my plans, in stride, and do not by any means minimize or spin them into something that they are not. i write that becuase sometimes it seems that reading, such as the one this morning, seem to suggest that i NEED to force a postive attitude upon myself and live in a world of rose-coloured glasses. in fact, part of my early recovery was doing just that: no matter what happened i tried to put a positive spin on it, and although i did not suffer for it, i certainly did not take the opportunity to grow.
so yes, it has been a difficult time. yes, i wish events had transpired differently. and yes i want to change the way i am feeling about what is going on in my life. what will i do? well for one, i can look to my feelings and decide why it is, that i feel that way. reading about the triangle of self-obsession yesterday, is still is ringing in my ears this morning, yes, DAMMIT, i want things to go my way. i cannot take away the pain of those i love. i cannot make electronics work the way i want them to, all the time and i cannot force my will on to others, to make them see things my way. no what is in my power today, is the ability to change my plans, accept that sometimes those i love will be hurting and frustrated and that stuff happens. whether it is by some deity with an ironic sense of humor, or just the flow of things does not matter. what matters is how well i can accept the evnts in my life, the feelings that arise from those events and move on, without building resentments and frustration with the universe in general. yes, this would be one of those times where i wish i bought into the whole mysterious ways arguments from organized religions, i do not, so i will not.
anyhow, my manual task is done, and i need to move into this day. it is a good day to be clean, and it is a good day to allow myself to use the flow of life to set my direction, instead of struggling against it.

∞ DT ∞