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with positive principles. what does that mean to me? quiet an interesting question, as i embrace my cynicism and see it as an asset rather that something that may need to be removed. i can tell you that sometimes when my peers share their “Mary Poppins, everything is sunshine and light,” i sometimes want to throw up. somewhere down the line they got the idea that positive spiritual principles = spin. it almost seems that if they diminish the pain of the reality of their existence, it will cease to go away, whereas i am the sort that celebrates the pain and drama in my life, because i see it as an opportunity to celebrate my recovery through the adversity of life in the real world. it is true, i do not attract a gaggle of newcomers around me, but those who are attracted, seem to stick around a bit longer and seem to have a better grasp of what it means to stay clean no matter what.
life, no matter how one chooses to slice it it, is often dark, tempestuous and painful, and to seek the shelter of a recovery program, regardless of what is coming down, is something i think is worth celebrating and not just sharing the bullsh!t pablum of my infinite wisdom and experience through the rose-couloured glasses of trying to be what i am not.
okay, i guess there is a bit more feeling and emotion behind that last statement than i thought. how often have i asked myself does what i am about to share speak to the solution or the problem. my answer is generally both, as i believe that i cannot adequately share what the solution may be for me, unless i define the problem up front. being an addict is not the problem, that is actually the solution to the most intractable issues in my life. what i do with that realization is how i work through what i am, and what i would like to become. i will not lie here, there are days when i wish i was not an addict and could enjoy a cold micro-brew with my co-workers after work on a Friday. i wish i could try out the recently legal substances with my friends and family members who are curious about what it does. in the fairy tale land that some of my peers seem to inhabit, that could be seen as signs of my relapse in the making, and for them, perhaps it is. what i see it as, is an honest admission that i need to face head on and remember, that i certainly could do that, but based on past performance, the consequences for social using will be greater than i choose to face today. it boils down to the fact that i am an addict. when i own that statement, it leads to this conclusion, that no matter what, social using will turn ugly, sooner or later, and the misery that once consumed my life, will return with a vengeance. one beer , or bong hit, was never enough in the past, why would time away from using change that reality?
so i may not always have a positive report. i may not ever share for the newcomer. what i do have a a strong foundation in a spiritual program, comprised of spiritual guidelines and principles, that guide me on the path of becoming something i have never been: GENUINE, WHOLE and SELF-AWARE!

∞ DT ∞