Some memes

to be a humble servant, to my peers, and my fellowship has not always been on the top of any of my to-do lists. in fact, service to my fellowship brought out some of my worst character defects and it took stepping away from any sort of spotlight to have those motives removed by the POWER that fuels me recovery. other times, being of service felt like an onerous burden and one to avoid at all costs. i would find myself getting resentful and self-entitled about having to “carry that weight.” that too, comes and goes, but as i become healthier in how i view myself and my relationship with my fellowship and peers in recovery, i see that i am doing what needs to be done. as i sat this morning, i got more than a peek into what is going on with me and how i see my service to the fellowship that has given me this new life.
what bubbled up from the depths and popped off the stack, is that i do not feel appreciated for the effort i put into service. in any situation outside of my recovery community, my service would be lauded, but here, i am expected to serve with no expectation of return and for me, at times, that can be a hard thing for this addict to do, even with a minute clean. anonymity sucks! even though i know this to be true and have more than enough spiritual experience to defuse and eliminate this from my life, i guess my humanity kicks in and i want more. it is the word “humble” that seems to be tripping me up, as i write this little exercise in brain dumping. i have always had an issue with humility, and even as i stay clean and find my way humbly into the middle of the pack, i want to shine brightly and be just a little bit more than my peers.
there is certainly more than one principle for countering that, and as i prepare to step out into this early morning to get a few miles under my belt, as it were, i will remember that it is an honor and a privilege to serve my fellowship. it allows me to be consistent and carry a message of hope to the still suffering addict. if i chose to, i could walk away and assume someone would fill my spot, i am not irreplaceable. i, however, bring a perspective that is entirely my own. that perspective is based on my own experience, strength and hope and is as valuable as that of any one of my peers. those i serve could certainly get along just fine without me, but would i? an interesting way to wrap up what i am feeling this morning and certainly a great way to start this day. i serve because i NEED to and when i see the value of my service to me, i can humbly serve my peers, with love and gratitude, just for today.

∞ DT ∞