Blog entry for:

the warmth and caring which results from addicts sharing recovery and a new life. well, i had written quite an entry, speaking of the so-called irony of the readings today, when placed into the context of what is going on in my life. anyhow, it was certainly brilliant, pithy and chock full of wisdom and a glitch caused by operator error, sent it off to the bit bucket.
take two
well, i could try and reconstruct what i had written, or i can place into the context of my life today and move on. apparently what i had posted was not fit for consumption and i just saved myself from making and amends, humiliating myself, or injuring an innocent party. or maybe it was just a reminder to be humble and own that sometimes a keyboard mistake is just that, not some sort of cosmic plan being revealed through a typing mistake.
anyhow, tomorrow starts a brand new phase in my life, one in which isolation will not be the norm. quite honestly one of the reasons i like working for myself, is that i GET to choose with whom, where and when my social interactions took place. lately, i have been conceding that power into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and all of a sudden i have more work than i think i can handle, i am starting a new job, my phone rings and <GASP> i am signing up for a fantasy football league. i mean really, WTF!
i know that i had withdrawn from social interactions before i first used, as we moved every year for the four years of my school life. so making friends meant leaving friends and that meant hurt. i stayed to myself, there was less hurt. using actually opened up my social world, in the beginning and in the end, as all of sudden if i got hurt i had the means to numb it away. in the end, i was popular because i had access to the ways and means. early recovery was like early active addiction for me, i hung out and did everything with my new found acquaintances, but i quickly learned that those relationships could hurt too. without the numbing comfort of substances, i worked myself into a tizzy of activity in service, work and school, hence had plenty of social interaction and no time to form any lasting bonds.
well as i go through this set of steps, i am discovering, that is unsatisfactory for me, and as i ask for the opportunity to be more, i am being given all sorts of chances to form real relationships. two of my less than stellar attempts from the past are starting to reach out to me, and i am wondering IF i am healthy enough to renew those relationships as an equal, or if i will sink to the subordinate role that defined those relationships in the past, ending up in anger, resentment and the desire to commit homicide at the mention of their names. i discussed this very issue with my sponsor the last time we met. anyhow, just for toady as i experience my way through STEP THREE. i think i will let go, go for a run and see how much of the giant pile of work i have on my desk i can accomplish today. it is a good day to be clean, and a better day to be an active participant in my recovery, so off to the streets i go.

∞ DT ∞