Blog entry for:

recover alone, i need my friend, closed-mouth and trusted, to be here when i am going off the rails. today, however, i am centered and grounded, even though the past year has been more than a little tumultuous. i need to work today because a cousin is coming into town and i want to spend some time hiking with him on Thursday. after getting let go from one job, i am working hard to get brought on, in a permanent position in this one. i have until December 31st to prove myself and am torn between life work balance. family is family and this particular cousin was the first one that i connected with, way back when i first got clean. even though i am pretty sure i am more fit than he is, i really was an a$$hole when i implied that yesterday, when asking what sort of hike was within his skill level. the fact is, i will enjoy spending time with him. i have chosen a location that allows for many different choices of terrain, distance and skill-levels. what we end up doing, will be up in the air, until we park and get ready to roll.
considering who are my “real” friends, is never an easy task for me. after all, all of my friends were more than agreeable to ditching me when i got into my legal troubles and suggested that they maintain a bit of distance. that is water under the bridge and although there are more than a few of them i do miss and am regretful for not re-establishing a relationship with, after i got grounded in recovery. the fact of the matter is, most of them i barely trusted with the real stuff that was going on inside of me and only allowed them to see who i wanted them to see. in fact all but maybe one or two of my relationships in addiction were probably not healthy ones and certainly not ones i wish to revive today. it is not as if my life is too “full” to do so. i could always use more trusted, closed-mouth friends.
connection to others has become important to me and this morning, more than ever, i want to make that connection even stronger. for me, that means an afternoon in the cigar shop after a morning of working. i may not buy into the notion that reality is like quantum mechanics, existing in an undetermined state until an observer “fixes” it into a shape and determines what it is, but that i quite an interesting manner at looking at life in the real world today. my next bit of reality is my weekly 10K around the neighborhood. i have friends today and i am capable of being a friend today, thanks to the recovery program that has provided a “reality” that has allowed me to become something i never imagined i would be, genuine, whole and self-assured.

∞ DT ∞