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i am taking an active part in my friendships. the irony here? a year or so ago, i felt i was too broken to participate in any more friendships, that somehow, i had filled my capacity to be social, and give and receive love and affection. now i sit here and think back at how silly that seems today.
i am not one of those who insists that i was NOT made broken. i am broken, for some reason, not of my own doing, i am an addict, and no matter how you spin it, an addict is a broken human being. so that means GOD made me this way. i accept that as my baseline, and move beyond that, i DO NOT have to allow that to define who i am and how i live my life, EXCEPT in certain respects and even in those very specific instances, they are now part of my NEW normal. in fact, being an addict, allows me to associate with people i would have never even looked at before. it allows me to be open and honest, because even if what i says leaves their lips, i am not the one who is hurt by their admission. best of all, when i am nucking futz, which happens from time to time, my friends in the fellowship are the best at understanding what i am going through, leaving me to appear normal to my normal friends. yes, over time, i have developed friends from the other 85% of humanity, and for the most part, they believe me to be in that same slice of humanity, just because the obvious telltale signs of addiction, are no longer part of my life. clean time may not equal recovery, but a little recovery goes a long way towards social acceptability, and i have no problem with that either.
getting back to the top, yes i am grateful for the friends i have, and the few that i have walked away from. some of those friends, i may invite back into my life, or perhaps they will invite me back into theirs, as it takes two to tango, as the old cliché goes. life today, is interesting to say the least, i will do what i have to do, to get my project back to the testers, my friend's computer back to his shop and then hang with my friends and joke around about life the universe and everything, at least our very male and very addict take on it all. what could be better than that, oh yeah some miles before any of that, just to knock off that ice cream, i just had to have last night. it is a great day to be clean and to have a friend or two.

∞ DT ∞