Blog entry for:

work in progress, even after a minute clean. as i approach my clean date anniversary and as my time clean comes closer to the time i spent using, i wonder how much better i am actually getting. i certainly am no longer comfortable living in cynicism and wondering if my sarcastic self is still a way of keeping others from getting close to me. my humor may be dry, but it is also quite biting at times and looking at the reactions to some of the stuff i still catch myself saying to my friends and my peers, i think the time has come to stop resting on my HUGE FIFTH STEP and dive into STEP SIX. the call has gone out to my sponsor, so it is too late to take that back. the fact is, i am glad i finally pulled that trigger, as i start a new job on Monday, where once again, i get to start from scratch in revealing my truer self to my new co-workers and team mates. as i sit in front of the computer all weekend, honing my skills, i am feeling a sense of relief at having finally made some move and a sense of anxiety about having to prove myself all over again. i am grateful i have friends that actually give a shit about me and keep me moving in the correct path.
as i sat this morning, fretting about my new Saturday morning schedule, what came to me was that it was not about HOW i would get to my home group, but if i would be able to open up and share about where i am. silly me, of course i could and did. it felt good to be in a place with my cohorts again and HAVING to pay attention in real time, instead of drifting off in the “Hollywood Squares” version of meetings that became necessary due to the ongoing pandemic. in fact it was my third in-person meeting this week and all of them were needed to integrate the balance and serenity i am starting to feel, into my life, in real-time.
now, however, it is time to go for a bit of a walk to get some more steps in, as i did a light work-out this morning, because i was fretting so much about getting stuff done before the meeting. i am grateful that i CAN be a part of something and friendships are the connection this addict needs to move forward in his life. i have some more training to do and i am starting to develop a hunger for some chicken wings, so i guess it is time to sign-off and see what i can get done today to assuage some of my anxiety about my new job and this new guy i am becoming, just for today.

∞ DT ∞