Blog entry for:

on the current moment in time, not the regrettable past or fearful future.
so my cynicism has been a recurrent theme lately and not a whole lot of HOPE. sometimes, it is just like that, after all, that was how i came into recovery: dark, sarcastic and very cynical. allowing myself to be morphed into something else, is a process like everything else in recovery, and as i heard in a meeting yesterday, i am not patient person.
it is true, that the 12 STEP process, does strip all of that away, bit by bit, chunk by chunk, bit sometimes it feels as if those bits are far too small for me to detect. looking at the BIG picture of who i was and who i am today, is certainly a task that can ground me in the here and now, ans the assignment i am about to give to one of my sponsees, is certainly an excellent one for me, FOCUS ON BEING PRESENT, for what is going on in the moment and let go of the past and the future. i can here the howl of protest right now, that if i focus on the her and now, what about planning and preparing myself for the uncertain future? what about plans, dreams and aspirations, how do they fit into the whole being in the present gig?
to answer those questions at least for myself, it requires a deep dip into the STEP 11, aligning my TRUE will for myself to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i DO have a vision of the man and person i want to be, and for the most part, in can see myself becoming that person, day by day, when i do let go and allow the process to happen. it comes back to the surrender that is inherent in STEP ONE and most certainly STEP THREE. i am the biggest obstacle to my transformation, not the people in my life, not my job, not my current social and financial successes and failures, just me. all of that, beyond what i want to do about my problem, is mostly irrelevant. it is true, that i have to show up for work every day. it is true that i have to do my job when i am there and it is also true that i am working on a contract right now, that may expire. all of that will affect me and how i see myself, but when i live in the here and now; and am present for what is going on inside and outside of myself all of that can fall away. i can find HOPE in the fact, that today, i don not have a desire to use. today i have the desire to be something more than i was yesterday. and today, i DO have an impact on the lives of those who encounter me, on their journey through this 24 hour slice of reality. when i am certain that i can do this, i feel good about being present. when i am uncertain or ambivalent? not so much, which brings me to the spiritual principle that is the most difficult for me to accept, namely FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery WILL provide the opportunity for me to get everything i NEED, in real-time.
speaking of real-time, it is time to get showered off and into the work i have planned today. i want to get caught up on all the work on my desk, so i can get some more work to do tomorrow. will i get it all done? that remains to be seen, but if i do not get it started, i certainly will not get it done.
that my friends, is how i will live in the here and now, just for today.

∞ DT ∞