Blog entry for:

BUT have i forgotten from where i come from?
after last night, i can say at least not this morning. in fact, the meeting last night showed me all sorts of different places i have been and as a result got me thinking a whole lot about where i am going. there were addicts returning from active addiction, which reminds that one moment of allowing myself to believe that this does not matter, is where i could go.
as poignant of an example as that may be, the lesson that rang the clearest in my head and is still resonating is the behavior of another. ironic as it is, especially since the reading yesterday was about rationalizations that he commented about how he should not do something, than commenced doing the exact action, with the rationalization “but i think this time.”
the lesson i walked way with, after i stopped simmering about all sorts of irrelevant things, is that is me. i can be so self-absorbed and entitled, that i come to believe that i can do whatever the fVck i want to, especially in meetings. i can selfishly ask for prayers so a particular outcome comes to pass, i can hold the members at the meetings hostage with advice and comments about all sorts of issues that speak to the problem and not the solution, and most importantly believe that because the 10th tradition tells me so, that is my divine right. after all, anything that affects me, any notion that happens to enter head, is a topic for sharing because after all i am only an addict and all of that directly affects my recovery.
i have been where i know it all, where i think everyone is just hanging on my every word, where i believe that i know better than the POWER that fuels my recovery and where ii is all about me, and i have been there in the not so distant past. this stings because this is fresh and is me, and the anger i feel, is not at the addict who pretends he does not know better it is at me, because i did not get a chance to engage in the same acts. no the POWER that fuels my recovery saw fit, to NOT give me the opportunity to share, and these days i have just enough recovery to recognize that holding the meeting hostage at the end, just to hear myself speak, is not a path i want to trod upon, so the burning desire came and want.
as i come to the end of my little rant, i see what the real problem happens to be. i am jealous that i did not behave in a similar manner and walk away knowing that in that moment i GOT to act out in self-will and wrap it the spiritual camouflage of compassion and empathy. lovely little tidbit of my character defects asserting themselves and one that will set the tone for today. i too, have a big event occurring today, that may determine the path of my career, i will however, take the opportunity to do my best, be honest and upfront about who i am and leave the results in the capable care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, after all, that POWER knows far better than i do, what is really the best thing for me.

∞ DT ∞