Blog entry for:

that i forget that i do not always react to situations like others do.
an interesting idea this beautiful wednesday morning. i have begun to wonder what is up with me. all of a sudden, i am quite content with the way my life is going and i no longer feel concerned about the state of my recovery. as my sponsor says i know i am insane, but i am no longer worried about it. in the same vein, i know that i am an addict in recovery, and i am less worried about my reactions and obsessed with living. the past month has been quite a ride, and i still have trouble believing that i am where i am today. in fact i have so many of the trappings of a normal life, that i have begun to believe the lie that i need to take care of myself in a spiritual manner. meetings, BAH HUMBUG, who has time for meetings, and if i started attending more meetings some newcomer may ask me to sponsor them, or even worse call me in the middle of the night because my phone number is the first one on their list. spend some quality time in meditation, i am almost caught up with me work and do not have the time to sit down and really listen to what my HIGHER POWER is trying tell me, after all that may interfere in my plan of the day and i would never get caught up. spend some time working my next step, who has time for step work, and i may just have to get entirely ready to surrender a character defect or three and get better.
no of course my recovery does not have to be a priority today, i have all the gifts that i never imagined and am reacting in a semi-sane manner most of the time. recover is for .... oops recovery is for me!
it is easy for me to forget what the days of active addiction are like, it has been quite a spell of days since the last time i used. it has been quite a spell of days since the last time the obsession to use was upon me. and those events are what makes me an addict after all! well not really those events are part of the me that creates the abnormal, insane manner of thinking. that part of me, tells me that i am somehow different and that length of time since my last use is the only criteria for judging the quality of my recovery. that part of me lies and twists the facts to suit itself and its goal is to get me to stop doing what i have done since i first got clean and had the gift of desperation. well i may not feel desperate today, but i am still suffering at the hands of my addiction. no i am not a victim to that part of me anymore, i am a willing participant because i have the knowledge to make the choices on a daily basis to do what i need to do. and my choice for today? remember who i am and surrender to the fact that i am still powerless over my addiction and that only the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS can do for me what i cannot or will not do for myself -- KEEP ME CLEAN!

∞ DT ∞