Blog entry for:

i can grow up. one of the many surprises i got, after a bit of abstinence and accepting that i was some sort of addict that may require something along the lines of a program of recovery, was that i was very immature. i reacted as if i was a teenager and lived in a world where i believed i was invincible, invulnerable and would live forever, even though i was already in my forties. even with a minute of so clean, i still find myself reacting to events and situations in the same way i reacted to them when i was still a teenager in active addiction, and trust me, my active addiction started way back then. as i deal with the addict who is currently in my life, i have to step back and remember that the worst i see in them is the same shit i see and dislike within myself. when i expect more of them or more of myself, i am simply setting myself up for a less than stellar set of behaviors with consequences i will find distasteful.
as i get closer to getting a nice chunk of change from my Mom's estate, i see myself already spending it. it is certainly true that it is not a new car, or some bright and shiny toy, but planning on spending what i have yet to obtain, even if it is on a “worthy” cause, is what led me into being scammed and taken for the 30K that i did not have. i see the lack of maturity with my finances as a symptom of still needing to grow up a bit more. i do however, know that seeing that as a problem, is certainly a step in the correct direction and one that might even lead to a bit more maturity in that aspect of my life. the irony here is that i am working on keeping myself physically well for later years but allowing myself to suffer financially. on that path i will certainly be the healthiest homeless person there might have ever been. 🤣 🤣 🤣
as i consider how i am going to workout this morning, i keep coming back to the irony of caring for myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, while spending my resources as if i have fifty years to save for retirement. i know that IF i stay clean and on the path of recovery that has given me the desire to be all that i was not, i will come to a point where i deal with that, in real-time, as well. in the meantime, it is off to the gym for a light workout and something different. i am after all, still rehabbing my leg from the damage i inflicted upon myself by my trip to Africa and have been hitting it a tad too hard lately. life is to precious for me to beat myself up. just for today, all i need to do is to allow the process to work its magic.

∞ DT ∞