Blog entry for:

let them divert me from my continuing recovery. yes, BUT, this new way of living consume all of my time. what with work, responsibilities, family events, and just being normal, who has any time for anything else???
I DO!!!!
yes, for me, and i am only talking about myself here, taking time to carry the message of HOPE to places that our meetings do not reach is rewarding in and of itself. making the time to sit with the men who trust me and want me to guide them on their recovery journey, is also rewarding in and of itself. neither of those constraints on my time, are burdensome to me, even though i some times whine that they are. regular meeting attendance, no big deal, it has kept me clean, so why fix something that is not broken. losing five to eight minutes of my life, listening to one of my peers, spew clichés and telling me what to do, well ironically, that is something that i feel is a waste of time, and i react with anger, nay let me put it more realistically, i get PISSED OFF! when the old rationalization engine kicks in, i can say that there is no reason to go to that meeting after all, so and so, the spiritual guru that they are, will passionately tell their captive audience what their next right thing to do is, and i will ends up so angry that i will miss whatever it was that i was meant to hear, so why bother.
BOOM, one less meeting!
moving further down that trail: very few of the men i carry the message to, end up in the rooms, so what is the point there, would my time not be better spent working on my side jobs, reading the latest bestseller fiction, watching TV or just playing a computer game. i really do not have all that much time for myself.
BOOM, one less service opportunity!!
why stop there. most of the men i have sponsored, over the course of my recovery have relapsed, some more than once, i seem to be actually wasting my time trying to give them what i have and i have so little of that, as it is.
BOOM, one more brick in the wall, isolating me form the fellowship that has given me the “good times.”
the rest of my recovery program quickly falls away and the next thing i know, if i am lucky enough to survive my first use, i am one of those guys, sitting in someone else's underwear, listening to the message being carried in by my peers, wondering wot the fVck happened.
no having as the cliché goes, “played that tape to the end,” i am more than ready to do the next right thing, which just happens to be one of the suggestions in the reading, give my sponse a call and actually tell him what is going on. the rest? well that will also be part and parcel of this day, as i work my way to heading down south for a well deserved break, from life and all its responsibilities.
yes i get the notion, that the good times, as wonderful as they are, has not removed addiction from me. i get the notion that, no matter how normal i may now look, and by normal, i mean part of the other 85 percent of humanity that can have just one and walk away, i am not now, nor will i ever be, part of that class. addiction need not be a life sentence, but it is certainly not going away from my life. accepting that and moving on, it is nice that addiction does not own me today, but that is ONLY because i do what i need to do, to remain a member of the club, the “NO MATTER WHAT CLUB,” just for today. so off to Boulder i go!

∞ DT ∞