Blog entry for:

from the life of misery that was once my norm. i am quite certain, that i could return to that life, if i CHOSE to do so. the reading was not about making a conscious choice to use again, what i heard was the relapse boogie-man, was waiting around every corner, ready to whisk me away into a life of active addiction. well maybe not quite that bad, i do use more than a little hyperbole, and the reading speaks about the conscious choices that i make in living a life in the freedom from active addiction, that may endanger my recovery.
i have stated in the past, that i am no longer one of those who walks around in abject terror about my next use. i am also one of those who believes, correctly or incorrectly, that lengths of continuous clean DO count. yes, i am clean, just for today, but for me, i have a level of respect for those who do this continuous clean time gig, for years and decades on end. staying clean for extended periods of time, is certainly something to be celebrated and is not about “getting lucky.” i am at one of those crossroads in my recovery that the reading seems to speaking to me about, namely am i willing to still do what it takes to live a program of recovery? oh i can parrot the politically-correct party line answer and say unequivocally, YES, but is that really my answer?
let's be honest here, for me anyhow, this recovery gig is not that onerous or burdensome today, as i have a few minutes clean. by fitting my life into this program, it was transformed into something other than what it was and for that fact alone i am grateful. the odd part is, a consequence of that transformation is that today, my life revolves around recovery. my friends are almost all clean, my social life does not extend into bars or pool halls, and i do not hang with people who are using. the number of “temptations” to use are limited to the purely legal ones, and i get that as well. legally there is nothing stopping me from walking into a dispensary and ordering a little bit of this and a little bit of that. spiritually, however, i am dead-set against exercising any of my legal rights as an adult citizen of Colorado. so i hem, i haw and i look for the ways and means to justify the decision to exercise all of my legal rights, and i keep coming back to the same place, is it really worth it?
the fact of the matter is, that for me, no it is not, so i CHOOSE to work STEPS 10 and 11 on a daily basis, go to two or three meetings a week, serve my fellowship, sponsor men and share about what it is like to live in recovery for decades of doing it “just for today.” i leave my peers, to chase after the newest of the new, but do not shy away from those who attracted to what i have and most of all i show up at meetings because i NEED them, as i am quite certain that the local fellowship will survive quite well without me. yes, active addiction is one use away, but that does not mean i have to live in FEAR, as today i have FAITH, that if i keep doing what i have been doing, i will get everything i NEED to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞