Blog entry for:

Priorities, hmm, quite an interesting topic at anytime for me, especially when I am far from home and on vacation. The last meeting I was at was on Thursday night, and that was a panel and not a place where I got much experience and strength, although there was some HOPE there. Getting my vacation routine together is one thing, adding a recovery routine on top of that, is another and integrating the two of them, well let me just say this, it is tricky to say the least.
In general, I am pretty good about having priorities fairly straight, recovery is paramount in my life and I have no issue with sponsorship, service, twelve step calls, meetings, doing my step work or calling my sponsor. In fact, for the most part I have built a fairly good life on top of my recovery foundation. True, at times, I long to be normal, that is not be afflicted with addiction. At other times I want to just be an addict, to act out in a selfish and self-centered manner with abandon, here in Mexico, I could certainly do one or the other or both. I mean who would know if I had a margarita or a single cerveza, chance are that I would not end up down in the barrio looking for something stronger. Having a program of recovery and my priorities straight, is what give me the strength as well as the resources to go away, far away from my home, and live off my beaten track of routine. Part of the reason. Am writing these, even though I am not posting them is to remind myself of what I NEED to do, today and everyday, I really do not want to be like some of the men I have sponsored who have decided they do not need to work steps, come to meetings or call their sponsor. I have seen the results for them, and they are not what I want for myself. I may not ascribe to a certain “totem pole,” as I heard in my very early recovery, but I do know what has to come first in my life, if I am to continue to have a life, at least the life I have been given.
Before I wrap this up, I just want to say that this is not meant to be a comment on any one of my peers. I am not here to judge the actions of anyone else. I may comment on what I see and the end result, but I do so, to discern, and yes that is the correct term here, what I may be able to incorporate into my life and what I am going to stay away from. My life and the tenuous grasp I have on reality today, is the result of a few days so putting my recovery first and my asking my program of recovery a top priority. Just because it may appear to be serene and have elements of affluence, does not mean that it is any less the life of an addict.
when I hear the chorus of complaints about how much time it takes away from my loved ones, and I respond with, it is BECAUSE of that time away from my loved ones, that they can be a part of my life. I hear the complaint about how painful the self-examination of the steps are, and I respond by saying it is only because I have walked through that pain, I can feel and heal today. I hear the whine that newcomers are shifty, dishonest and flaky, so trusting them is out of the question. This one gives me pause, because I am one of those who puts distance between himself and the FNGs. If anything, this is the place my program needs to be shored up. Sure there are plenty of other guys in the rooms, who flock to the newest members, and surround them with welcoming love, but what about those that only I can reach. Those who are just there to mat=-rk the days off the calendar until they can return to the life. Those that are stuck in the offend, new charges, jail prison and repeat cycle. Those that can turn a three year misdemeanor charge into a prison sentence, because they lack the HOPE that there is nothing they can do to break that cycle and find a new way to live? My experience to date, has not been a success, if you look at the number I have helped and who have stayed clean and when I turn a critical eye, to that measure and apply it to my peers, who choose to reach out to other groups, I can see that they, too, have about the same numbers, give to take. For me to pull back, because I think I am failing, is just a rationalization and not reality. The reality is that I am staying clean, I DO have a message to carry and it is my responsibility to do so. Whether or not anyone ever “gets” it, is not up to me, nor should I use it as a measure of how successfully I am working a 12th step.
It is a good day to be clean and it is time to get rolling out into yet another day in paradise.

∞ DT ∞