Blog entry for:

**USE** away from the person i once thought i was happy to be. well that may be a bit of an exaggeration, as i have seen what happens to those who choose to use after some clean time and even after having some recovery. most of them do not instantly spin down into the abyss of degradation and desperation that characterize active addiction. their outsides can seemingly remain intact as the process takes hold. NEVERTHELESS, living a program of recovery, at least for me, entails taking responsibility for my recovery and yes, attending meetings.
i have allowed my meeting attendance to drop way down as i have “re-integrated” into society and am living my life as a “normie.” as the reading suggested yesterday, i can rationalize and justify my way all the way back to active addiction, so the tightrope that i am walking today, to maintain my balance “between” my two worlds, is certainly something i need to be a bit more vigilant on. the truth is when one has been clean for as long as i have, most of the trappings of active addiction have been stripped from my life, only to be replaced with what the world expects to see from a sixty-two year old white guy: a mortgage, a wife, foreign vacations and a career. the trap for me, is i start to internalize those outward signs of being a productive, high-functioning member of society and believe that is who i am and that active addiction and the lifestyle that was integral part of that, was just a “phase” that i was going through. when i go to meetings on a regular basis, i am reminded that my days in active addiction were real and the way i thought, felt and behaved were a manifestation of active addiction.
i have felt a bit off balance lately, and as i examine my priorities, i see that i am only going to two meetings on most weeks and one meeting on others. i may be surviving, but am i thriving? for me, i NEED to step up my game a little bit, which probably means returning to the meetings i once enjoyed going to. being okay, is tolerable. the problem with just being “okay,” at least for me, is that sooner or later i will have the desire to be more than just “okay.” i do remember how to be more than and as an adult here in Colorado, that means is now legally available to me. IF i want to thrive once again, i NEED to look at how i am living my program and make the adjustments to my life style that i need to make. just for today, i think i may carry that notion with me and see how to reorder my priorities to better fit, living my program.

∞ DT ∞