Blog entry for:

staying clean and growing in my recovery. RAH-RAH-CIS-BOOM-BAH, here comes the recovery cheerleader! well, maybe. this morning, i want to think outside of the box, and that may mean treading into areas, that are not quite politically correct. what is the box, i often find myself bumping up against? that is an interesting thought in and of itself. based on my experience across the quarter century of active addiction and the 15 years of abstinence i have put together, there is no doubt in my mind, that i am not like most other people that walk the planet. the evidence that conclusively bears that, is still present in my life, after all, those other 85%, probably do not wonder if they can do just one sumthin', sumthin', now that it is legal and socially acceptable. in fact, most of them do not even drink, nor do they think about drinking and when they do, it is only in social situations. so the fact that i can make that distinction plays a huge role, in how i live my life. even though i know all of that, it would still be nice to take a vacation from recovery every now and again, no meetings, no daily maintenance, no step work, no phone calls, and best of all no drama. once again, the only thing stopping me from doing just that, is what i have seen time and again, from people just like me, those vacations turn into nightmares, and most of the time, i never see them again. that observation, however may be flawed, as the only ones i see or hear about, either end up dead, in jail or come crawling back to the rooms, so my sample data, may be skewed. the question then becomes, am i willing to take that risk, with my life? this morning, the answer is: NO I AM NOT! i more than kind of like the life i have been given as a result of staying clean and doing my damnedest to live a program. i have a job i love, a nice house that i will be paying on the rest of my life, friends that have my back and really care about what is going on in my life and loved ones. i had none of that back in the day, all i had was the brief escape through chemical bliss form the so-called real world and whole boatload of denial about how great my life was.
that may not be my fate if i decide that maybe one might be enough, BUT, today, i am not willing to test that theory. today i want to stay clean and will do everything in my power to do so. the box that i sometimes see myself being constrained be, is actually my gateway to freedom. the drama that i rail against is the result of having people in my life that care for me, and that i care for as well. and all the stuff i have to do to support my ongoing decision to be a member of the “no matter what club?” well, that is just the price i pay for the promise of FREEDOM i still desire today. yes, my life is full. yes i could go to a meeting tonight, BUT i will more than likely defer until Saturday morning and take care of the rest of the life i have been given, just for today.

∞ DT ∞