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in recovery was not something i expected, after all i was forty years old when i got clean, had lived out of my parent's house for the most part since i was nineteen and had married and gotten divorced. certainly all of those life experiences were symptoms of the “maturity” i thought i possessed. ironically after i got clean and finally admitted that i needed more than mere abstinence, i uncovered the true fact that i was far from mature in any sense of the word. that revelation cascaded through my life and as a result, i began to look at myself in a whole different light. twenty-five years later, i see that i can enjoy life as a real adult as my body “matures” into being a senior citizen. not a week goes by without me wondering who the fVck is that old man staring back at me from the mirror.
in the past few weeks, suddenly men i have not heard from in months have reappeared in my life, seeking direction from a trusted or their titular sponsor. i have been known to take on far too many sponsees and the gift i have always been given is that they do not all go nuts at once. in fact, for the most part, most of the men who call me their sponsor very rarely see or talk to me. at one time, not all that long ago, that would have chafed my hide to the extent that i would “fire” them in a petulant frenzy of resentment and internal discord. these days i just let it go. i have said it more than once to each and every one of them that their lack of action on building their own active recovery, will not be cause for me to use. i also have come to a place where i see there is no “status” in the number of men i sponsor. i have more worth than the number of days i have been clean or the number of men who may call me their sponsor.
as i continue to live a life with a huge reduction of anger, resentment, or fear, i find more bits and pieces of myself that are worth valuing and less that are worthy of being pitched into the bit bucket. as i get towards the end of this exercise, i am torn between working out in the gym, or braving the slickery sidewalks and streets. it would be easier to dress out and be careful than to get in the car and drive to the Rec Center. i believe that i am worth getting my steps and miles under my sneakers this morning. considering the fact that i have already heard sirens rush past my house, i do believe i will brave the outside in a frame of steel and plastic. as dull as running in circles or walking on a treadmill may be, i am certainly worth more than taking my chances on the patina of freezing drizzle that currently covers the asphalt and concrete in my neighborhood. that might even be <GASP> a symptom of maturity. 🤣 🤣 🤣

∞ DT ∞