Blog entry for:

i will practice tolerance with all of those whom i meet, today. this just happen to be one of those readings that gives me a little nudge every time i read it! as much as i am loathe to admit it, tolerance of others is still not one of my strong suite. oh i want to say i am, and often do, but the reality is that sometimes the best i can do, is walk away, because i am so intolerant at that very moment that all of the shortcomings that have been activated within are ready to come out and ponce on the object of my intolerance.
so it is, today, i am better than i used to be, and IF i continue to work a program of active recovery, i can be even better tomorrow. lately it seems, it feels like i am locked in this perpetual cycle of intolerance and anger. i get so mad when someone cross-talks, gives advice, plays the victim or worse tries to tell me how to do something in recovery when that lack any experience in that aspect of living clean.
seriously, WTF, do they not realize who the fVck i am???
and so it goes. so this reading is a great reminded that it is not their job to get any better, they will muddle along, just like me, until they see that this is an inside job, and only i can gain the experience of living clean by living clean. it is not my task to tell someone else how they should do it, or whether or not they should feel one way or another. if they choose to keep a clean date for each and every substance they ever used, more power to them. it they wish to remain the victim, and play on the sympathy of the crowd, than let them. my job is to be present and allow the anger to wash through me, so perhaps i can learn a thing or two, after all, i am at the center of the universe, physically speaking, so it is important to pat attention to the events closest to me, especially as i grow up in recovery.
all of this goes to a theme that has been active in my life, the spiritual MUZAK, running in the background, if you will, that i am sick and if i want to get better, i NEED to do some of the work. as long as i believe i am not WORTH doing what i have committed to, i will remain sick. even if that belief is not consciously expressed, its presence is evident in the manner that i feel, the way i behave and the nature of my thoughts these days. those are the symptoms that i can choose to ignore at my peril, or that i can do something about. will i take a meeting hostage today and share about what a fVcking victim i am to addiction? more than likely not. i will however, go to a meeting, and walk through my day with the desire to be just that much more tolerant than i was yesterday. when i feel my intolerance rising, instead of trying to suppress it, let it pass, and afterwords, see what was expressed that i DO NOT LIKE in myself, after all it is all about me.

∞ DT ∞