Blog entry for:

to understand may not be an very apt way to describe how i came to regard the feelings of others, but it does imply a process, at least for me, that is based on the changes of personality manifest by actively working a program of recovery in my daily life. sitting here this morning, way, way, way behind my normally scheduled routine, i wondered if i even needed to write this before i headed out into this frigid Colorado morning to get my steps in. after two seconds of contemplation i decided that yes i did, as i have yet to send off the letter that requires every bit of my compassion, empathy, honesty and understanding. the balance i need to uncover between stating the obvious and being open about what i feel and not causing any more damage to a severely strained relationship, will require every bit of spiritual fuel i can muster. taking the time to take care of my physical fitness and allowing myself to drift into the zone of not thinking, feels like the exact next right thing to do. i know that i cannot and will not put off this unpleasant task any longer, so a bit of clarity from the POWER that fuels my recovery is not a bad thing to seek.
i do know that when i got clean and before actually started this recovery journey, caring about the feelings of others was way down on my daily to-do list. it is as i said during a cross-talk at the meeting last night: i GOT clean for the justice system, i embraced recovery for me, and the days between getting clean and seeking recovery were some of the toughest in this entire journey. my callous disregard for anyone's feelings and my total disrespect of my peers in the rooms, was overwhelming and i am sure, quite a spectacle to witness. i am grateful that today, even when i have been hurt and am still feeling the pain of dishonesty and betrayal, i can pause for long enough to move beyond payback and vengeance. that is a gift of this program of recovery. even when i make a fool of myself i need not run and hide out in another fellowship, because i have the ways and means to admit when i am wrong and amend the behaviors that led me there. it is a good day to be clean and one i will cherish in the here and now, even if the weather is far from springlike, just for today.

∞ DT ∞