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for the first time since my 5TH Step, i finally said out loud, that i am not the broken one in the less than stellar relationship, that i cannot avoid. harping on their faults and walking out angry, sad and frustrated after spending time with them, is not a healthy manner in which to live. coming to a place where i accept them for who they are and allow myself the freedom to say enough after one more boundary has been violated, seems to be the direction in which i am headed. what i cannot continue to do, even though i have had a bit of success with this method, is to passive-aggressively continue to punish them until they behave “properly,” as that keeps me sick. no, this morning, i want to be the one that get better.
i can say that without a doubt, i am coming to a place where i see things in a different light. as i discard the garbage of a life based on the notion that i was “broken” and embrace the person i have always been, but hid from the world and myself, i know that i will have to confront all my “sick” relationships with a missionary zeal to get them into some sort of acceptable state. the good news is that i have been clean for long enough, to work through a few cycles of thew twelve steps, that i have very few toxic and malformed relationships left in my life. by learning to trust myself and others, i have become open to creating relationships based on equity, rather than power. it is interesting that my significant other asked me last night if i have always been close to my cousin, who is in town for my Dad's funeral. ironically, that relationship started at another funeral, when i had about eight months clean and has continued to grow ever since. i came to that relationship with little or no previous baggage, other than a history of believing that there was nothing of any value in the whole state of Montana. reclaiming relationships with my family has destroyed that false narrative and today i am grateful for the relationships i have built, with the Montana relatives. the steps have helped me get over my bad self and look for a new manner of doing this whole relationship gig.
before i put this baby to bed, i do need to comment on yet another irony. over the weekend, i told two of the men who call me their sponsor that relationships do not need to be on or off. one could love someone, without trusting them not to pound one to dust. one could try a different form of being together, while physically separated, on a trial basis. what those sort of relationships may look like, i have no clue. what i was suggesting was working together to find some place in between the extremes. i see that being played out in my life today. as i so my best to honor the living amends i am making to my Dad, i will have to find the ways and means to create some sort of hybrid relationship that is satisfactory to all parties. i may be clueless as to what that will look like,m but i am willing to allow myself to be guided by the principles of love, forgiveness and acceptance, and see what happens, just for today.

∞ DT ∞