Blog entry for:

jolt as i realize who is really getting better, well perhaps pleasant is not the correct adjective, but jolt is certainly the correct noun. as i have been prepping myself for actually writing about where and how my life is unmanageable, i keep tripping across two themes: DESIRE and ENTITLEMENT. one of the many stories i tell myself, revolve around these two horseman of my current apocalypse. in the end, my desires always become stuff that i am entitled to, and my resentments and reservations are based on what i am not getting, even though i DESERVE to get it all. one of the many facets of that story is that i believe i DESIRE to have others, especially those with whom i recover, to respect and like me. i certainly get more than a bit butt-hurt when i am left out and when i am left out of a celebration for a friend and sponsee, the pain is even worse. it is quite true, that i might have declined the invitation, but not even being invited is a snub that irks me to no end. my default reaction would be to get all resentful, turning my pain towards the outside and inflicting it upon the person who “forgot” to invite me. i am better than that, not so much in healthier or less petty, but inflicting that pain, in retaliation and vengeance is not an action i wish to demonstrate today. i use that at an example about how much better i am not, not much HOPE there, except in the fact that i see what is happening and i am not casting blame or motives for the snub, just accepting what is and acknowledging how i feel about it.
this morning, i am getting the opportunity to practice a bit of tolerance and patience with others. of course i am wondering what the cost may be for me and if i am entitled to say no, if the terms and conditions of what i am willing to do, change when i arrive. which reminds me, i have a bit of a responsibility to do what i said i would do. this whole notion of integrity is my counter-argument to entitlement. practicing what i know to be correct, even when i desire to do something else, is a pain point for me. over and over again, i find myself doing some things for others, that i have very little desire to do. yet, when all is said and done, i find that i “feel” better, when i do so. as i do something i would once have declined to do, i want to “shout it from the rooftops” as evidence of how much better i am. just for today. well i am doing the next right thing, because it is the next right thing, and wanting to crow about it, is evidence that i am not as “well” as i want to appear, it comes down to image and making others see me for what i have yet to become.
so who really does get better? that will be the question that colors my world today and when all is said and done, perhaps my 10th step tonight, it is after all, all about the journey and even with my goals in sight, not about arriving. i have been trying to arrive for far too long.

∞ DT ∞